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D.R. Ranshaw

D.R. RANSHAW

Why Characters Do Bad Things

4/25/2022

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You know, I was happily discussing/pontificating about the concept of literary betrayal in my last post, just rolling along, when bam! I ran smack up against the barrier of my (admittedly self-imposed) 1000ish word limit on blog posts. (I sometimes get asked why I’ve erected that arbitrary fence around them, so here’s my answer: shut up, he explained. Actually… now I think about it, other than being a nice, round number, I’m not entirely certain where it came from. In fact, when I started blog posts, back in the dawn of time, I distinctly remember my then-social-media guru reacting with horror on hearing I intended to write so much per post, because people’s attention spans just don’t run to that length nowadays, and… I haughtily cut her off and informed her of one of my basic Teaching Tenets, gleaned from, lo, nearly 35 challenging but mostly rewarding years in the hardscrabble trenches of public education: your students will --- by and large, anyway --- rise to meet your standards. Especially if you’re entertaining. So. QED. You’re welcome.)
 
Anyway… yes. Betrayal. The major questions I wanted to address last time before said arbitrary fence reared up were: why? Why do people betray? And who are these awful examples of execrable humanity? So let’s to it.
 
Before writing this post, in what qualifies as quasi-research for me, I jotted down a lengthy list of literary betrayers who came to mind. Man, there were a helluva lot more than I thought. (And that was just in the space of a couple of minutes. Whew.) And I came up with five primary reasons --- though I’m sure there could be many more --- as to why they betray other characters in their respective novels/plays. But they’re enough to go on, because, yikes, the list kind of reads like some dark catalogue of human depravity: greed, jealousy/spite, ambition, compulsion, and revenge. And that’s just before breakfast. Who are these individuals of infamy? I chose from my list five ignominious pricks… err, that is, picks… for your perusal:
 
Judas Iscariot, the Bible – betrayal doesn’t get much bigger than this… I mean, betraying God Himself? Two thousand years later, the name of the disciple who betrayed Jesus Christ to the authorities, identifying him with a kiss (which is where the concept of the Judas kiss, the ultimate symbol of betrayal, comes from), remains synonymous with Betrayal with a capital B. Judas does what he does out of greed, because he’s a pragmatic, petty criminal who doesn’t really believe Jesus is the Messiah and sees an opportunity to make a few bucks. The fact he later kills himself from remorse at what he’s done does nothing to rehabilitate his memory.
 
Iago, Othello – who can ever forget this great Shakespearean villain’s declaration to us: “I hate the Moor!” Iago feels himself slighted by his boss, Othello… but even though he admits he’s unsure if there’s been any conscious injury done to him, he decides to crank up his best Game of Jealousy/Spite anyway… and boy, does he ever. I used to tell my students Shakespearean tragedies never end well for title characters, but Iago doesn’t fare too nicely by the bloody conclusion, either.
 
Macbeth, Macbeth – what did I just say about title characters in Shakespearean tragedies? That they… oh, never mind. Macbeth, who’s really a bit of a tool for his harpy of a wife, gets swept up in ambition after the ‘Wyrd Sisters’ (aka witches, though ‘wyrd’ in Will’s time related to Fate, not strangeness) make several highly misleading prophecies to him and his BFF, Banquo about Macbeth becoming king of Scotland. Trouble is, there’s already a king --- Duncan --- so for Macbeth to get the job, Duncan must meet an untimely end. Which he does, at Macbeth’s dithering, bloody hands, when he’s a guest at Mac’s castle overnight. The Elizabethans shared a really strong conviction that hosts placed guests under their absolute protection, so for Mac to kill a guest in his home --- any guest, let alone a king to whom he’s sworn fealty and loyalty --- is an especially heinous betrayal.
 
Winston Smith, 1984 – you’ve got to feel sorry for poor Winston: he’s more pathetically hapless victim than villain. Surviving in a hellish totalitarian world he didn’t make and quietly loathes with every fibre of his being, we’re happy for Winston when he finds (forbidden) love and happiness with another rebellious sort, the lovely Julia. Of course, this being a book by George Orwell, not Jane Austen, there’s no happy resolution for the two lovers. They’re caught by the authorities, summarily jailed, and Winston is tortured until he’s compelled to betray Julia --- not because his betrayal will lead to any momentous convictions or societal convulsions or whatever, but simply because it is, to paraphrase Orwell, the Man’s stamping his boot on the face of Winston’s spirit.
 
Smeagol, The Lord of the Rings – my obligatory Tolkien reference for the day. Smeagol is just nasty and commits his nastiness for one of the most common reasons of betrayal --- revenge against those damned hobbits who Stole His Precious. To be fair, however, he’s been through his own private hell in being psychically ripped apart, first by the Ring itself, and later by Sauron the Dark Lord’s minions when he’s captured and tortured by them. It’s really no wonder Smeagol’s mind has splintered into two distinct and equally unstable psychotic halves, dubbed Slinker and Stinker by Sam Gamgee. As Frodo notes, it is possible to feel sorry for Smeagol --- even in full-on revenge mode, he’s a victim, too. And, of course, he’s absolutely vital to the Ring’s destruction at the tale’s climax, so he performs a heroic act, however unintentionally.
 
Man, quite a catalogue of calumny… an index of infamy… a posse of perdition, a --- well, you get the general idea, I think, without further need of alliterative allusions. (Sorry. Couldn’t resist.)
 
And a good thing, too, because here we are, crossing that magical 1000 words…
 
So I’m done for now.

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When Characters Do Bad Things

3/28/2022

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Traitor – one who betrays another's trust or is false to an obligation or duty
                       
Betrayal – to lead astray; to deliver to an enemy by treachery; to fail or desert, especially in time of need; to disclose in violation of a confidence.
            -both, Merriam-Webster Dictionary
 
Today’s cheerful topic is courtesy of one of humanity’s most ancient and… well, awful, really… yeah, that’s the word… character traits: our propensity, as trusted colleagues/friends/spouses etc., to turn around and stab those we work with or care about in the back. Annnd where’s this coming from? you ask, some of you less charitable types in probably hopeful fashion. Any dark skeletons popping out of the closet? Well, no, not particularly. But after screening most of its first season at the behest of my youngest son, I can’t watch the Lost in Space 2018-2021 reboot TV series anymore… which is not really the non sequitur it first appears to be, and raises some interesting thoughts about my current frame of mind.
 
The Lost in Space reboot --- which is more intelligent than the witless 1960s TV show of the same name, by the way… though I admit that’s not saying much as a ringing endorsement --- features the intrepid family Robinson (they’re not Swiss, however) in the near future who, along with many others, leave a devastated Earth on a colonizing expedition to a nearby star, literally seeking greener pastures. Naturally, things don’t go quite as planned --- there’d be no story if they were wildly successful and everything went swimmingly --- and our heroes find themselves crashed and… well… lost in space. But the item in the narrative that, interestingly and unexpectedly, rattled my chain was one particular character: a petty career criminal named June Harris. She starts by making her way aboard the expedition’s starship through deceit and almost literally throwing her sister under the bus. After killing one of the crew, followed in short order by the disaster which crashes the ship, June, who assumes the identity of someone else to conceal her sordid past, begins hatching all sorts of underhanded and undermining plots while obviously remembering Lady Macbeth’s sinister advice to her clueless husband… yep, June is clearly a Shakespearean scholar, all right. I’ll save you the bother of asking: in the eponymous play, Macbeth is early on told sharply by his harpy of a wife to ‘look like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under it’ --- in other words, smile cherubically and openly to put ‘em off their guard, while performing evil deeds quietly, out of sight. You’re welcome. (Yeah, I know: Lady M is a piece of work, all right. Don’t get me started.) It’s not long after the initial crash that June goes into overdrive with misdeeds, some small, some pretty large, against her fellow survivors. Why? Well, that’s one of the simultaneously repelling and compelling things about villains of the traitorous vein, isn’t it? We’ll get to that discussion, too, a little later. In the meantime, let’s just say June certainly qualifies as a traitor as defined above… and she’s obviously read SF author David Gerrold’s works, too: in one of his novels, a character offers up a suitably bleak definition of the concept of trust, saying it’s the condition necessary for betrayal. Ouch. A pretty damning indictment of human nature if I ever heard one. Especially since it’s so accurate.
 
You see, one of the maddening things about literary traitors is they typically cruise along with varying degrees of serenity --- some of the more psychopathic can calmly look you in the eye and convince you all’s well, while others possess a certain high-strung, neurotic mania --- all the while looking like harmless magnolias or something, but in reality, being cobras coiled beneath. And in the process, writers take fiendish glee in letting us, the readers, know what the traitors are doing, but ensure, through various machinations, that the story’s characters have no clue as to what’s going on. (Sometimes these machinations are credible, other times they make us want to tear our hair out at the Absurdity Of It All. By the way, folks, don’t be one of those latter type of writers. Please.) This can be a good thing… or not. I think we’ve all been there, frantically flipping through a book’s pages, or hollering in horror at the screen, watching the protagonist walk straight into the traitor’s trap: ‘NO! DON’T ENTER THE @#$% TUNNEL, FRODO! THERE’S A SPIDER THE SIZE OF A HOUSE IN THERE, AND IT’S GONNA MESSILY DEVOUR YOU!’ Or, you know, words to that effect. Yep, it’s maddening, all right: we know what’s going on, but our characters don’t, and there’s no way of warning them.
 
Which is why I just can’t watch June plot her dastardly deeds anymore. I’m not sure whether this is me being unusually hyper-sensitive in an environment fostered by two years’ worth of pandemic that’s left just about everyone a little paranoid and on edge, or superb writing on the part of the series writers. I think, quite honestly, it’s the former rather than the latter. June’s antics are often made possible by the stupidity of characters around her, who first of all, should (and do) know better, and second, seem to be really poor communicators for a bunch of people who’ve theoretically had all kinds of training in catastrophe scenarios, working in an endeavour where excellent communications skills are not only absolutely vital, but can mean the difference between life and death.
 
Damn. I’m fast approaching my self-imposed 1000-word-ish limit for blog posts, without even touching on a number of things I wanted to discuss regarding literary traitors… so consider this the first of at least a couple of posts regarding this interesting/maddening aspect of writing, and stay tuned for more… traitorous… musings.
 
I won’t betray you… I promise.
 
 
 
Post-script: youngest son, who’s seen the series already, has convinced me to give the series another try, saying June’s character has been (mostly) defanged as the second season begins. So (sigh) I will. Not that I’m expecting any great epiphany from her which will transform her into some paragon of virtue, you understand. Villains, in particular, aren’t always the kind of characters to undergo major redemptions. But you never know. Would a villain’s redemption be a betrayal of all they hold dear? Oh, the humanity.

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Murdering Your... Darlings

2/21/2022

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Sir Arthur Quiller-Couch, in his 1916 book On the Art of Writing, famously --- and mightily --- added to the angst/neuroses of succeeding generations of writers when he admonished them thusly: “If you here require a practical rule of me, I will present you with this: whenever you feel an impulse to perpetrate a piece of exceptionally fine writing, obey it --- whole-heartedly --- and delete it before sending your manuscript to press. Murder your darlings.” That last phrase has since come to mean not only ruthlessly weeding out poor writing, repetition, purple prose, and unnecessary plot lines, but also characters who serve no purpose and can be --- ahem --- eliminated from the narrative. They can be offed with the painless press of the delete key in this digital age, or meet any one of a number of gruesome ends, limited only by the dark wellsprings of their creators’ imaginations. Bwahahaha!
 
I was asked about this the other day: killing off literary characters… yea or nay? Having engaged in a little murderous writing of my own, I’m forced to admit, I had to confess I have killed off at least one major literary character --- concerning others, we neither confirm nor deny --- and it was someone I originally thought had major romantic potential for my protagonist. Alas, he said sadly, ‘twas not to be, and before you can reverently intone sic transit gloria mundi or requiescat in pacem, she was burned alive in a very public execution, forcing our dashing hero to consider several equally unpleasant alternatives, none of which could remotely be considered wins. Bwahahaha, indeed.
 
So here’s my rule of thumb about offing characters: yes, but. Or to clarify: sure, it may be necessary, and sure, as author/creator you can commit ‘murder most foul,’ but it should never be gratuitous i.e. a killing that’s there only to shock readers, or which doesn’t serve to advance the plot at all. In pondering this topic for today’s epistle, I combed through vaults of memory for memorable scenes of characters ‘shuffling off this mortal coil.’ From a veritable cornucopia of literary misery, I’ll discuss four neatly falling into categories --- and I’ve helpfully given each its own summary title. You’re welcome.
 
Who Cares?
This is one of every writer’s (many) worst nightmares: you go to all the trouble of screwing up your courage, killing off a (possibly beloved) character… and nobody gives a damn. Why’d you even bother? Oh, the humanity. An example is Cedric Diggory from J.K. Rowling’s fourth Harry Potter book. Perhaps Rowling should’ve taken a clue from her daughter, whom Rowling thought would be traumatized by Cedric’s death. Turns out, the kid wasn’t… not even remotely. Nope, she was just glad it wasn’t Ron or Hermione. Why does this kind of thing happen? Because the author kills a character the readers just aren’t invested in. To be brutally honest, we don’t care about them, because the author hasn’t done enough to make us care.
 
I Come Not To Bury Caesar, But To Praise Him
Ah, the glorious death. Time for my obligatory Tolkien reference of the day: the death of Boromir. It’s sad, of course, but simultaneously noble, even uplifting in a weird way. Now, as I used to tell my high school English classes, Boromir is the perfect example of the classical Tragic Hero --- a man of high estate, possessed of a fatal flaw (in this case, Coveting Someone Else’s Jewellery). Trying to take the Ring from Frodo is an unforgivable act, dramatically speaking, and will/must result in Boromir’s death as a consequence… but he’ll be given opportunity to redeem himself before dying. Which, of course, he does, in spectacular fashion --- and though it pains me immeasurably to say it, Jackson’s film version provides Boromir with a far grander, more eloquent, nobler death scene than Tolkien’s written version.
 
Really? Man, I’m So Glad The Bastard’s (Finally) Dead!
We could subtitle this one, ‘Author, what the hell took you so long?’ These are deaths occurring to really repulsive characters whom, as readers, we’ve hated since first learning of their perfidies, their malice, their purely evil, moustache-twirling, gloating natures. Black Jack Randall is a character from Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander novels who immediately comes to mind. He’s a rapist, a pedophile, and a sadist who’s visited unspeakable atrocities on numerous characters, including one of the protagonists, and by the time he’s belatedly, bloodily killed at the Battle of Culloden, there’s not a reader to be found wi’ a single tear in his/her eye.
 
This Tore My Heart And I May Never Be The Same Again
I don’t think modern readers run across these situations very often (well, except for Weepy Willies/Willas) because, unfortunately, we’re too desensitized/jaded by modern lit and especially film, where offerings like Game of Thrones have taught us just how dangerous it is for our emotional stability to become too attached to any given character. Nonetheless, it is to the similarly grim TV series The Walking Dead that I turn for an example. In its fourth season, Carol Pelletier, one of the main characters, encounters a couple of young girls, Lizzie Samuels and her younger sister Mika. Now, in a post-apocalyptic world inhabited mostly by shambling zombies and a handful of dazed survivors, it’s unrealistic to think any kids wandering around wouldn’t be severely emotionally/psychologically traumatized, and Lizzie is no exception. Wanting to convince Carol and others that the zombies are still people, she kills Mika… without comprehending the enormity of what she’s done. There’s probably a proper psychiatric term for it, but ‘extreme dissociation’ will do. Lizzie’s fearful but innocent lack of understanding, and Carol’s subsequent anguished realization that Lizzie is so emotionally damaged, she must be killed for everyone’s safety, was a heart-rending moment.
 
So there you are, Reader, my thoughts regarding handing literary characters the ultimate pink slip. Sure, it can happen --- practically all protagonists, and many other characters, live extremely dangerous lives, after all, and ask not for whom the bell tolls, because it tolls for thee and don’t thou forget it --- but don’t do it cavalierly, carelessly, or with all the drama of brushing one’s teeth --- because then, to paraphrase Will, it becomes ‘a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.’
 
Not a consummation devoutly to be wished.

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Ditch the Decibels

1/17/2022

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Gotta say, Twitter’s been something of a gold mine lately. Not sure whether it’s because I’m feeling unusually irascible as we head into the third year of a pandemic unnecessarily prolonged/worsened by morons who not only should know better, but do (I think… I mean, Covidiots can’t really believe the trash they peddle… can they? Yikes. You think they definitely can? Oh, the humanity), or whether people are just being unusually disingenuous/naïve. Either way, there’ve been dandy Tweets floating ‘round the Twitterverse lately.
 
Now, as I’ve explained before, I don’t usually engage with such Tweets, for two reasons: first, to write a properly intelligent explanation/reply requires waaaay more than 280 characters, and I’m averse to making threads, because IMHO (Twitterspeak: In My Humble Opinion… though I’ve commonly found if someone prefaces a comment with that, their opinion is likely anything but humble… yes, I’m aware of the irony in that declaration, thanks), trying to write a thread is analogous to trying to put War and Peace on multiple cereal box sides, and most people (alas) have neither patience nor the attention span to manage that; and second, because a small, unworthily suspicious part of my mind --- actually more than a small part, TBH (To Be Honest) --- suspects the Tweeter doesn’t really want peoples’ opinions, just the engagement and subsequent bump in their own Twitter statistics. (You can’t make this stuff up.) But… I don’t mind taking such Tweets and making them grist for the ol’ blog mill.
 
So… the Twitterverse bird-call prompting today’s epistle was someone bemoaning the fact they’d not actually done any writing in a coffee shop, and was feeling distinctly Left Out by this stunning lack in their creative life. (It doesn’t appear to be pandemic-related, either, as they appended the word ‘ever’ in their True Confession.) My reaction on reading this was…
 
…one very familiar to myriads of adolescent hormonal scholars over the three and a half decades of my teaching career: it began with a slight up-twitch of my left eyebrow, blossoming across my face into two parts incredulous disbelief and one part either simmering irritation or burgeoning incandescent rage, depending on the offending comment’s severity. (I vividly recall one instance where a student made some incredibly ignorant/offensive remark just as I was turning away; I spun back around and in the sudden hush, hissed, “Excuse me?” Well, you could have heard a pin drop for several seconds… before a quiet little voice from the back of the classroom murmured, “Incoming…”)
 
Now, I know some of you write in coffee shops --- or, perhaps more accurately, give off the general impression of writing. How do I know? Well, from personal observation, because, pre-pandemic, I’ll confess I was known to visit a Starbucks or six from time to time in order to procure overly sweet, fattening drinks which generally made my pancreas howl in anguished protest. And there you were, sometimes for freaking hours at a time, hogging an overstuffed chair in a corner, trying to project an aura of innocent, carefree, creative anonymity while really wanting to convey that Look at Me, I’m an Artiste! vibe, jealously guarding the AC outlet you’d grabbed so you could plug in the ol’ laptop and avoid the dreaded single-bar-on-the-battery icon, flicking your eyes in smugly surreptitious sucks-to-be-you expressions to the poor slobs who lost the Grand Race To The Plug. If you’re one of these miscreants… I have a question to ask…
 
Well, actually, it’s more rhetorical than anything else… and it’s really a question in two parts. It goes like this: Why?! Are you insane?!
 
Personally, I can’t think of a venue less suitable to satisfy the creative writing desire than a coffee shop. No, wait, that’s not true --- several come to mind: sports arenas in the middle of a game… darkened theatres, live or film, during a show… a major inner-city hospital’s ER department… the gantry pad at Cape Canaveral during a rocket launch… you know, places like that. They’re less suitable. But not by much.
 
Let’s examine the dynamics of your stereotypical Starbucks (at least, when Covid did/will permit it to assume some semblance of so-called normalcy... I call it Caffeum Quondum Et Futuris --- The Once and Future Coffee Shop): it’s full of people. Talking. Loudly, in close proximity and general lack of privacy, because a basic economic principle is the more people you cram into a space, the more money there is to be made (actually, one good thing from a writer’s perspective is you can hear all sorts of salacious things when eavesdropping on others’ conversations). There’s hustle and bustle at the counter as baristas concoct their confections and yell people’s names. (I always wanted to give mine as Prim Everdeen, so when the barista called that, I could yell, “I volunteer as tribute!” But I never had the nerve.) And there’s muzak blaring through the store speakers… usually jazz, to enhance the hipster vibe Starbucks likes to project. Sometimes it’s instrumental, sometimes there’s vocal tracks to provide yet more distraction.
 
In short, it’s bedlam. A cascading cacophony designed not to stimulate the creative process, but destroy it in a clinking, clanking, clattering collection of caliginous junk. (And pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!)
 
I write in the quiet, cosy, candle-lit cubby you see in the picture (which I realize isn’t an option for all, and I’m incredibly fortunate to have My Own Writing Space), trusty thesaurus/dictionary set handy, notes nearby for reference, Easy Button within reach for ironic comic relief, Middle Earth map overhead for inspiration. Do I listen to music while writing? You betcha, on my iPod. But it’s instrumentals, not vocals --- film soundtracks, mostly, to provide atmosphere --- because, as I used to explain to my students, you can’t write and focus on song lyrics simultaneously.
 
Decades ago, a New Age-y poem called Desiderata read, in part, ‘go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence.’ C.S. Lewis wrote of one devil saying to another in The Screwtape Letters, "Noise, the grand dynamism, the audible expression of all that is exultant, ruthless, and virile ... We will make the whole universe a noise in the end." Yeah, there are definitely times when things feel like that. But they’re not constructive times.
 
So… shhh. Ditch the decibels. Find somewhere quiet and peaceful to write.
 
Soak it up. And unleash the creativity.
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The Long and Short of It

12/13/2021

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A week or two ago, I saw a Tweet on my Twitter feed from another writer: “I see people writing 100k/150k word novels. How is that even possible? Is this the norm?”
 
Now, I don’t usually weigh in on these kinds of Tweets. Why? Because Twitter is replete (read: awash/deluged/inundated/swamped/overflowing… well, you get the idea) with people asking all sorts of questions, from the sublime to the truly ridiculous (read: banal/inane/shallow/OMG/oy), questions which the cynical (read: realistic/pragmatic) part of me tends to believe, quite accurately, I think, the Tweeter isn’t really interested in people’s opinions at all, but merely wants other Tweeters to respond so it reflects favourably on the original Tweeter’s engagement statistics. I wish I was fantasizing or being facetious about this, but… you can’t make this stuff up, folks. (One of the most honest Twitter bios I’ve ever seen included the comment that the person was ‘a whore for likes.’) If you haven’t yet twigged to this, allow me to enlighten you: social media is a frequently enraged, often outraged, regularly ignorant, and generally batshit-crazy world which makes the original Bedlam insane asylum resemble a model of sensible probity and quiet sanity. Why are you on it, then? you ask. As well you may, I answer flippantly (read: damn, that’s a good question… give me a moment to think about it and I’ll get back to you).
 
Okay. End of rant. Despite the nearly irresistible temptation, today’s epistle isn’t really about… Deranged Social Media and How It’s Destroying The World As We Know It (make the sign of the Cross and back away slowly as you solemnly intone all that, please). No, it’s about the above Tweet, and my peculiarly inexplicable response… because… I did weigh in. Why? you ask. I’m not sure, I reply slowly. What was the moon’s phase at the time?
 
The breathless prose of my response was: “I just… record the story as directed by my characters. My first novel was 186k, the sequel currently sits at 178k, and a third book I’m working on at the moment is at 152k. I don’t think I’m particularly verbose…”
 
Please note, he said sternly: that last statement of my reply was intended as definitely puckish, not hopelessly disingenuous. I think every writer on the planet has succumbed at least once to what I call the Crane Maxim, after Dr. Frasier Crane of the eponymous television series: “If less is more, just think how much more more will be!” (Or the writer’s corollary: why use one word when six will do?) However, I deny regularly indulging it… or in Polonius’ ironically disingenuous rationalization at the top of this post. (While he says brevity is the soul of wit and he’ll be brief, what follows is his spectacularly lengthy monologue --- to the point where another character impatiently tells him to cut to the chase.) And I don’t understand most writers’ fear and loathing of editing; I actually rather enjoy it nowadays… though I’ll admit there was a time, back in my embryonic writing phase, when I didn’t. In fact, there was a point where I keenly understood Mozart’s bewildered, indignant, reaction in the film Amadeus after the Emperor tells him there are too many notes in his opera: “I don’t understand, Majesty… there are exactly as many notes as required, neither more nor less.” Yep, well, sorry, Wolfie, pretty much universally, our work can always stand a little editing. Or, for some of us, a lot. Although I don’t always subscribe to Stephen King’s dictum that your second draft is your first draft minus ten percent.
 
So… let me answer Tweetie’s question… promising I’ll be brief: I highly doubt it’s the norm --- especially in today’s frenetic society where much of the population seems (woefully) to possess the attention span of gnats --- but as to how it’s possible… well, you just tell the story. As succinctly but as colourfully as you can. Or, as Mr. K also famously said, one word at a time. Without succumbing to what he termed literary elephantiasis, I might add. 150k words, or 186k for that matter, does not automatically mean bloated when telling a story. (Given that each of George R.R. Martin’s Game of Thrones books routinely runs northward of 220k words, and The Lord of the Rings --- which, it’s important to note, especially in the wake of Jackson’s epic films, Tolkien originally regarded not as a trilogy, but one story --- clocks in at over 455k… well, 186k seems charmingly compact by comparison.)
 
I used to spell it out for my students this way: short stories generally run 2000-10,000 words; novellas from 10,000-50,000 words; and above 50,000, we’re in novel country, with an upper limit defined only by what tests the reader’s capacity (or the publisher’s, for the traditionally published) to absorb.
 
Ultimately, I’ve kind of discarded the lists of Story Writing Rules just about every famous author has generated, perhaps at least in part because they all violate their own rules, some more so than others --- returning to Mr. K for a third time, he’s fairly vehement against using adverbs… but peruse any of his books and yeah, you’ll find an adverb or six. QED. So I have only one writing rule, one I made myself: Write the Best Damn Story You Can. And I guess, in the wake of today’s musings, we could add, In Whatever Length You, The Creator, Deem Most Appropriate. After all, first and foremost, if you’ve any integrity whatsoever, you’re telling the story for yourself. But when you send your literary progeny out into the cold, uncaring world, you’re really hoping for the Goldilocks Verdict in content and length, aren’t you? Not only do you want readers to love your story --- with the fierce, unconditional, slightly batty love of a mother for her newborn child --- you want them to feel it’s not too long, not too short… but Just Right. That it’s not choked with detail, but neither is it a mere skeleton with no richness, no description just… a cold wind whistling mournfully through bare bones.
 
Yep, that’s the long and the short of it, all right.

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Rare, or Well Done?

11/22/2021

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A long time ago (1882) in a country not far, far away (the United States), a writer named Frank --- who today is remembered more for the fairy tales he penned, strangely enough --- wrote a short story that still crops up regularly in high school English classes… I know it certainly did in mine. Why? Because of the tale’s ending, which drove my students wild with frustration, bless their dark little hormonal hearts. (No, no, that didn’t make me laugh evilly/triumphantly at all. Why do you ask? Bwahahahahaha!)
 
The story concerns a barbarian king in some unnamed kingdom in the distant past. This king --- an absolute monarch --- has some pretty quaint ideas, especially about justice. Now, the king has a drop-dead gorgeous adult daughter, and like most daddies, she’s the apple of his very overprotective eye. She gets involved with a lower-class youth, and they have a secret relationship for several months, until daddy inevitably discovers it. To say daddy’s not pleased is like saying the Pacific contains some water, and this is where the youth runs afoul of the king’s justice system.
 
The king’s method of judging someone accused of a sufficiently noteworthy crime is simple: the person is placed in a public arena, with thousands gathered to watch; there are two sound-proofed doors on the arena’s opposite side; and the accused must open one. But wait, there’s more! Behind one door is a large, vexed, hungry tiger; behind the other is a beautiful maiden. (Sometimes the tiger’s behind door #1, sometimes #2. It varies, and is a huge secret. No one outside the games overseer knows which it’ll be.) If the accused picks the tiger’s door, it emerges and all sorts of bloody mayhem ensues. If the accused picks the maiden’s door, they’re immediately married (his prior marital status is irrelevant). So, essentially, the accused judges himself: picking the tiger means he’s guilty, picking the maiden proves his innocence.
 
I know, I know, he said wearily. Ridiculous, nonsensical method of administering justice. But then again… stranger, more stupid things have been dreamt up by real-world despots over humanity’s long, embarrassing history, believe me. Anyways, that’s not the point of today’s epistle.
 
Returning to the story… the youth is condemned to ‘stand trial’ in the arena. Pretty neat solution, as far as daddy’s concerned because, well, either way, the youth is ‘taken care of.’
 
Now, the story’s main wrinkle is this: daughter/girlfriend discovers which door houses which fate. (Oh, and she hates the maiden chosen, with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns.) So, it kinda goes without saying she’s fairly conflicted by her choice: watch boyfriend messily torn apart by the tiger, or married off to a girl she’s having the mother of all social media feuds with?
 
The youth knows his girlfriend, and that she’ll have found out which door hides the tiger. On trial day, he looks at her, and she surreptitiously indicates one door. Without hesitation, he goes to that door, and opens it.
 
And that’s where Frank ends his story… well, no, actually, he rubs salt in the reader’s wound by asking what you think. Which came out of the door: the lady, or the tiger? (Matter of fact, for the half-dozen of you who’ve never read this story, that’s its title, and the author’s full name is Frank Stockton.)
 
Frank meekly says it’s not his place to dictate the ending of the story. My students always, unanimously, disagreed. Vociferously. And that’s the point of today’s epistle: asking the question, how do you like your story endings? Rare, or well done? That is, messily raw and inconclusive, or well done, trussed up in a neatly tied bow?
 
Nearly all people, I think, like story endings to be the latter. The reason is relatively simple: in real life, as a species, we crave certainty, crave it as a drowning person craves a lifeboat’s sweet sanctuary (except for that weird minority of people who inexplicably seem to thrive on chaos and uncertainty --- and many of them are likely Darwin Award candidates). Mostly, this is because our world is often a very dangerous and uncertain place. (To put it mildly. Oy.) Remember Tolkien’s jolly ol’ Mouth of Sauron? “Surety you crave! Sauron gives none. If you sue for his clemency, you must first do his bidding.” (My obligatory LOTR quote for the day.) Yep, Sauron and pretty much the rest o’ the world, too, folks… surety, certainty, conclusivity… whatever term you want to use, it’s in woefully short supply on this battered old rock. And so, if we can’t occasionally/frequently/ever have it in real life… why, then, the vast majority of us damned well want it in our stories, at least, thanks very much.
 
This is not the same thing as happy endings, although most of us prefer those, too (unless we’re heavily into dystopian science fiction), and for probably pretty much the same reason… though as Orson Welles noted, happy endings are largely dependent on where you end your story. In fact, when you get right to it, “And they all lived happily ever after” is really rather a cheat, don’t you think? Especially to feed to impressionable young children. Because… as adults (and, alas, too many children) know, life isn’t all peaches ‘n cream: Will’s ‘slings and arrows of outrageous fortune’ pretty much guarantee we don’t all live happily ever after. But it’s an understandable cheat precisely because of that: at least our stories can end conclusively and on happy notes. Yeah, we know, the evil dragon’s destroyed, but that doesn’t mean evil’s been banished forever. In fact, there’s probably a pretty nasty troll hiding under that next bridge just over yonder. But allow us to savour the triumph of the moment with a little certainty.
 
By the way… Frank wrote a sequel to The Lady or the Tiger. It’s called The Discourager of Hesitancy, and I used to sell it to my students by saying it answered the question posed in the first story. They clamoured to hear it, so I would read it aloud… and they discovered he answered the Lady/Tiger question… only by asking another concerning human nature, and leaving the sequel on the same maddeningly inconclusive note.
 
Bwahahahaha!
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Call Me Unpredictable

10/25/2021

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You know, by and large, people (including literary characters) tend to be fairly predictable. I suspect that’s because most of us seem to find our script early on in life, and grasp it closely, hardly ever deviating from the lines, regardless of whether or not they’re working well. Some of us love constancy, some dread it; others loathe it and attempt to break free… with mixed results.
 
Take Boromir, for example. (Please). Boromir, from Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings, is champion of Gondor and son of its de facto king, thereby poised in line to inherit the Steward’s chair when dear old dad (the unhinged Denethor) shuffles off this mortal coil. Boromir is also, as I used to show my high school English classes, a tragic hero in the true sense of the mold: a noble character possessed of a (gasp!) fatal flaw, which we as audiences have been conditioned over the last several thousand years to both recognize and understand that it will rear its ugly head, in all its gory glory, at the most inopportune possible moment in the plot.
 
In Boromir’s case, to no one’s great surprise, it’s the Ring he lusts after. Well, I should probably amend that: it’s no surprise to the reader, because Tolkien foreshadows/telegraphs Boromir’s impending grab in --- let’s be honest --- rather predictable manner. However, like characters in a horror film who’ve evidently never seen what happens to people in haunted houses when they split up ‘to cover more ground,’ only Sam Gamgee appears to have any inkling Boromir will manifest a sudden, uncontrollable hankering for jewellery --- the rest of the Fellowship cruise on in blissful ignorance/naivete that’s, frankly, in these dark times, a little hard to swallow. And even Sam doesn’t speak up before Things Messily Fall Apart. Jackson’s film version makes it even more obvious… I mean, after we witness Frodo’s tumble on the mountain and Boromir’s mesmerized little soliloquy to/at the Ring as though it’s a beautiful woman… how could anyone with an IQ greater than a mushroom be in any doubt regarding his intentions? But I digress.
 
So yeah, we’re almost always a pretty predictable species.
 
Except, of course, when we aren’t.
 
This was vicariously brought home to me the other day, when I was --- ahem, he said sheepishly --- watching YouTube videos instead of writing on my current WIP like I was nominally supposed to be doing. (How predictable. Frailty, thy name is writer.) Quite accidentally, I ran across a heart-rending video posted by a woman who’d just suffered a horrendous breakup with her partner. I felt really badly for her: they were actually travelling across the country to the city where they were to marry, and on the way, her partner decided that, no thanks, she wasn’t up for this. In fact, she wanted to call off the wedding and part ways. So… they did, the woman’s partner roaring off into the sunset in their customized van, leaving her and their two dogs in the house they’d recently bought --- in happier times.
 
And I thought… wow… who could’ve seen that coming? Talk about one of life’s un-dodgeable sledgehammer blows: things seem great, you’re on the cusp of commitment with the love of your life after being together several years, and… wham! Oh, sure, we’ve all heard of people left at the altar, but I doubt it happens that often. (Well, maybe it does… I’ve plainly led a sheltered life in that regard.) But it is behaviour that’s, at first glance --- without personally knowing these two women and their history --- jaw-droppingly unpredictable.
 
(We could spend an entire post discussing --- and attempting to comprehend --- the fundamental mystery of what drives people to share their most intimate thoughts/feelings on social media to a world of complete strangers, many of whom are, apparently, of doubtful mental soundness and empathy… but we won’t. At least, not today. We can leave that particular steaming pile o’ psychological poop for another time. Maybe.)
 
Now, from a literary perspective, characters behaving in totally unpredictable manner --- which means going against all previously defined social/emotional parameters --- is something I recommend be handled very carefully, rather like your cat if you decide it needs a bath. Why? Because it’s kind of a weird irony, really: we bemoan characters behaving in clichéd, stereotypical fashion because, ‘My gosh, you know, can’t the writer find something more original to put into the narrative?’ But when we have said characters do something very unexpected, there’s the potential for readers to snort in disgust and say, “Nope, I don’t buy it. People simply don’t do those sorts of things out of the blue.”
 
(Well, in fact… they do. Just not as often as they behave predictably. Unfortunately, we’ve all heard of the quiet guy at the back of the warehouse who one day just snaps and takes out half the staff in a blaze of gunfire, and everyone afterwards says in hushed, sorrowful tones they just would not have believed him capable of such a thing.)
 
The key, I think, is people may appear to behave unpredictably at times, but we all --- even those insane in the true medical sense --- have reasons for doing what we do. While those reasons may seem bizarre or nonsensical to others, they’re always rational to us. The ‘unpredictable’ label gets attached only because those around the person in question either fail to notice behavioural clues, or the person has been very, very good at concealing them. And let’s face it: we don’t want to assume the worst about anyone (noble sentiment, but not always very sensible). Here’s your Dark Lesson in Human Nature for today, folks: referencing my warehouse example, we are, every single one of us, capable of just about anything, given the right provocations and/or reasons.
 
Um, okay. That got a little dark, didn’t it? So let’s end on a lighter note: the famous 1962 song Call Me Irresponsible which goes, in part:
Call me unpredictable, tell me I'm impractical
Rainbows, I'm inclined to pursue
Call me irresponsible, yes, I'm unreliable
But it's undeniably true
I'm irresponsibly mad for you
 
So, go ahead, ask your characters to behave unpredictably. Just don’t be surprised when they take you up on it, possibly to your --- or their --- peril.
 
Call me unpredictable, indeed.

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No Hunger for Games

9/27/2021

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Lo, forsooth and verily… in the deeps of time (i.e. the early 2000s) the Muse gazed over the land and spake unto one Suzanne Collins, who laboured mightily and brought forth five books about Gregor the Overlander. These books, while read and favourably reviewed by many, were not the smash hit all (well, nearly all) writers dream of so fondly. Thus, yea, the Muse spoke again unto Ms. Collins, saying, “Suzanne, write thee of a sullen young girl with the quaintly odd name of Katniss (think catnip with a lisp) Everdeen, living in an angst-ridden dystopian future --- for is there any other kind? --- where young boys and girls are sacrificed in an arena for the entertainment of the Jaded Masses. Mind it not that this story smacks hugely of a specific ancient Greek myth (or its antagonist is named/patterned after a well-known Shakespearean tragic character), for, as thou and all other writers know, there are no original ideas. In this, thou shalt have a major hit on thy hands, not to mention enormous royalty cheques --- and even bigger cheques for the film rights. Ka-ching, baby.”
 
Of course, we’re aware of the rest of the tale: she did, and it was, and a number of people heralded the idea of YA dystopian lit as though it was both the greatest thing since sliced bread and a breathtakingly brand-new concept in writing.
 
Which, as we should all know, it wasn’t. YA dystopian lit was around before it even had such a label. Back in the Dark Ages when I was a kid (look at the price tag on the book’s cover, friends!), it was just lumped into the ghetto of the children’s section of the library (kind of an ‘abandon-all-hope-ye-who-enter-here’ section for us precocious types). Now, in my last post, I talked about one example of dystopian YA: The White Mountains trilogy by John Christopher… but it brought to mind another story of his, a slim stand-alone volume also in YA dystopia: The Guardians, published in 1970. ‘Nother damned good story of his that hasn’t had the lasting fame it deserved.
 
13-year-old Rob Randall lives with his widowed electrician father in a Conurb, one of the vast future cities segregated from the countryside, or County as it’s known. When Rob’s dad dies in a suspicious accident, Rob is packed off to a grim, gritty boarding school, where senior students haze and bully the younger with impunity while indifferent schoolmasters look the other way. Unlike many future denizens, Rob loves to read (the illiterati will inherit the earth, apparently), enjoying heroic classics; the Three Musketeers’ D’Artagnan, in particular, inspires him. Having found some letters written by his late mother indicating she was originally from the County, Rob decides to defy social convention and escape there. Which he does, tunnelling under the wall separating Conurb from County. It’s one of those plans-that-really-aren’t-plans, borne of desperation and with no attention to nitty-gritty details such as how one is supposed to get life’s necessities, but Rob manages to accomplish the feat, albeit injuring himself in the process.
 
Fortunately, before his plight becomes too grim, he’s found by Mike Gifford, another boy his own age. Mike is the son of a wealthy Gentry family living in the County, and he takes Rob under his wing, smuggling him food and clothing at a remote hideout he’s found. This arrangement doesn’t last long before Mike’s mother, a highly organized, sharp-tongued woman, discovers Rob at the hideout. However, instead of turning Rob in to the authorities, she agrees to pretend he’s her nephew, come to study at one of the County’s tony private schools. Rob integrates into the Gifford family, taking on the persona of one of the Gentry.
 
This is an unbelievable stroke of good fortune, and fully aware, Rob is quite content to let the good times roll. Unfortunately, his presence awakens a streak of social conscience in Mike, who contrasts his comfortable County life with Rob’s previous hardscrabble Conurb one. Mike starts attending meetings hosted by idealistic senior students who feel revolution is necessary to end societal stagnation and horrendous inequality --- ignored by the vast majority of people. (Gentlemen of the world, unite!)
 
Mike joins the revolution as it takes place, but Rob doesn’t: as I said, he well knows which side his bread is buttered on. The uprising fails, though, because, as one of the Guardians tells Rob, things aren’t quite as sloppily managed as they appear in this society. Who are the Guardians? Why, the secret shadowy group really pulling society’s strings (some nice little conspiracy theory stuff before it became fashionable). Turns out they’ve known Rob’s real identity all along, but were magnanimously fine with letting things play out. After the uprising, they’ve contacted Rob to see if he knows anything about Mike’s whereabouts --- he does, but isn’t about to say so --- and they offer Rob a cushy little post in the Guardians. Dazed once again by his incredibly good fortune, he accepts.
 
However… (plot spoiler) Rob’s conscience starts to prick him: he knows all about the inequality and stagnation of his society --- from both ends --- realizing his dad was, in all likelihood, involved in rebellion, too, leading to his death. Shortly thereafter, Rob decides to join Mike and the other surviving revolutionaries and seek to bring about change, the tale ending on this somewhat inconclusive note. (Although, as Orson Welles, said, ‘if you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.’)
 
So that was YA dystopian social commentary back in the Dark Ages. It certainly made an impression on me --- though little megalomaniacal me would’ve been sorely tempted to take the offer made to Rob. But it was a great story: the writing was terse and without a lot of flowery verbiage, the plot rolled along at a rollicking pace --- it had to, clocking in at what I estimate was no more than 57,000 words --- and as I said, it contained interesting underlying political/social commentary. It’s no 1984, but I think Orwell himself would have approved of its message.
 
And of course, unlike Winston Smith --- or the girl with the funny name --- Rob’s tale ends on a much more hopeful note, which is all to the good: no point in rubbing young readers’ noses in the foul-smelling manure of life any earlier than absolutely necessary.
 
Plenty of time for that later. Sigh.

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YA in the Dark Ages

8/30/2021

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I was talking literature with a friend recently, and she asked what book from my youth would I have liked to see made into a film. (Or TV series, although there were no epic series being aired on TV back in the Dark Ages when I was a kid: The Munsters… Gilligan’s Island… Beverly Hillbillies… crap, what a vapid wasteland. Except for Star Trek. Of course. Goes without saying.)
 
Anyway, my answer was, “well, pretty much all of them.” (When I like something, I like it a lot.) But, forced to choose, I narrowed it down to… a few.
 
So… when We Were Very Young… I was a reader (big surprise to anyone who knows me).  And one day in grade five --- yes, Virginia, I really was that young once upon a time --- I recall a friend regaling me on the way home from school about a book his teacher was reading to the class. It was a science fiction tale, and what he revealed about it made me go out and… well, it’s a longish time ago, but I know I didn’t buy it, at least immediately; my allowance in those long-ago times was about 25 cents a week, as I recall --- enough for a comic book and some chocolate to eat while I read it, but not much more --- so I must have hied myself over to a library, either school or public, and read it that way. (I do recall, quite vividly, attempting to wholesale reproduce the book at one point--- in cursive handwriting, if you please ---so I could have my own copy. Ah, the unbridled passion of youthful innocence. I think I got the first 12 pages or so written before even my patience gave out and I gave up.)
 
The book in question was The White Mountains, by John Christopher, first book in what I today would regard as a pretty short trilogy. (Note the price tag on the photo above of the cover, fellow bibliophiles!) It was dystopian YA, long before anyone labelled books as either. (Librarians just ghettoized precocious literate types like yours truly into the Children’s Section. Oh, the humanity.) I just knew it was a great tale because I could tick all the boxes: it was science fiction (check!), its male hero was about the same age as me (check!), and being a trilogy, it was a good, long length (check!)… at least to an elementary kid. (I’d estimate its length at something like 57,000 words or so, and now I find myself wondering, as my current WIP sits at around 140,000 words with likely another 45,000 to go, how Mr. Christopher wrote an entire trilogy for less than that. Hmm.)
 
And man, did I want to see the tale made into a film. But it never was. (Wikipedia told me just now the BBC actually did make a TV series of it in the 1980s, but it certainly never made it over to this side of the pond, so I’m sticking with my original premise. Besides… if they did it anything like as clumsily as they did some of the early Dr. Who episodes… well, let’s just say it’s best to pretend their White Mountains series never happened. Sorry, Dr. Who fans. I calls ‘em like I sees ‘em.)
 
But with The White Mountains, I mean, after all, what’s not to like? A future world, taken over by enormous, towering three-legged machines --- the Tripods --- who suppress technology and regulate human civilization’s existence at a 19th century level. Control of the populace is guaranteed by the fitting of Caps, sophisticated electronic devices implanted on children’s heads at 14. And our protagonist, Will Parker, is due to be capped within the year.
 
Egged on by a man calling himself Ozymandias --- a man pretending to be a Vagrant, a person for whom Capping has not worked and driven the wearer insane, but who is in reality a completely sane representative of a secret resistance group --- Will runs away from home in England with the intention of traveling to the group’s base in the mountains of what we know today as Switzerland. (National boundaries have pretty much been eliminated by the Tripods.) Along the way, he picks up a couple of companions: his cousin Henry, whom he initially loathes, and a French boy they meet named Jean-Paul (but whom they call Beanpole because first, he’s tall and thin, and second, they mangle the French pronunciation) who helps them out of a tight spot after they cross the English Channel. They travel through the ruins of Paris and have numerous adventures, including staying at an actual castle (where Will is sorely tempted by the owner’s daughter to stay, but doesn’t), and finally making it to the refuge of free humans in the White Mountains. The first book concludes with the promise of fighting for truth, justice and the Ameri--- uh, that is, life, liberty, and… freedom from the Tripods’ tyrannical rule.
 
The writing style was pretty spare, not a great deal of description, and the protagonist was certainly never given to any Hamlet-style/length philosophical or existential reflections or monologues, but maybe that’s not a bad thing, particularly for a target audience generally not into Tolkien-ish discussions or background descriptions that can meander along for several pages --- a problem even worse nowadays, with the steady and lamentable erosion/deterioration of literacy among younger (and older, come to that) readers over the last several decades. (Hey, back off, man… I was a secondary school teacher for 35 years, and Know Whereof I Speak, he said sternly.)
 
But it was a good tale, moved along at a fair rollicking pace, and I enjoyed it enough that it’s still in my personal library to this day. I think a literary work needs little further recommendation than that. And in terms of it being made into a film or TV series… well, digital effects were non-existent back in the Dark Ages when I was a kid, and with all due respect to Ray Harryhausen, I don’t think practical effects like clunky stop-motion technology would have served it very well, either. (Although, yeah, I still remember the thrill in watching the fight in Jason and the Argonauts between the protagonist and the skeletons.) So perhaps it’s just as well we never did get a White Mountains film or series in the halcyon days of my youth.
 
But I know they could do a bang-up job of it now. Anyone listening?
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Intrigues Galore!

7/5/2021

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Within the breathless prose of my current work-in-progress (WIP in writer-ese) --- whose working title is Areellan’s Tale, BTW --- my plucky (read: scrappy) 19-year-old eponymous female protagonist is dogged by a secret, ruthless organization I’ve named The Commanderie of Light (rather catchy in a nicely ironic way, he said smugly). It’s apparently existed in my fictional world for centuries. While they profess to want to help her in her epic quest, it ain’t too much of a leap (deliberately so) for the reader to understand this group has its own agenda, which means assisting her only as long as it furthers their own shadowy aims. And what are said shadowy aims? Why, secret world domination, of course, just like any good conspiracy group. Bwahahahaha!
 
Now, I’d be the first to admit this isn’t a particularly original trope at all. In fact, long, long before author Dan Brown employed ‘The Priory of Sion’ in his runaway bestseller The Da Vinci Code, writers and other paranoid people have muttered darkly in their beer for millennia about secret organizations responsible for manipulating governments --- and entire populations --- for their own nefarious purposes.
 
(I enjoyed The Da Vinci Code as a story, but like many other readers, was highly annoyed, first by Brown’s distortion and outright misrepresentation of historical fact, then his attempt to present the resultant nonsense as truth. It reminds me of Gandalf’s comment to Saruman: “I have heard speeches of this kind before, but only in the mouths of emissaries sent from Mordor to deceive the ignorant. I cannot think that you brought me so far only to weary my ears.” In other words, if you’re going to construct fictional history, I say, fine, go ahead and have fun storming the castle --- after all, I do that in my own work. But unlike Mr. B, I place my writing squarely in the fantasy genre, and wouldn’t dream of trying to pass it off as reality.)
 
Except… here’s the thing about tropes/clichés, folks: yes, there are times we roll our eyes at them; yes, we decry them as tired and unoriginal; yes, they’re stereotyped up the wazoo. BUT… they work. Because, Constant Reader, the unpalatable truth about humans is: we’re walking tropes/clichés. And we enact tropes/clichés. All the time. Humans are not nearly as original as we like to think we are.
 
So the upshot is… yeah, I’m using the Shadowy-Organization-Conspiracy trope in my writing. Because, as I said, it works. And it’s fun to write. Particularly if you keep things understated --- no need to have villains dressed in black, twirling mustaches and swirling capes, cackling maniacally while tying nubile heroines to railway tracks. (I mean, sure, Darth Vader was fun and all, but you’ve got to admit, he was a little over the top. Okay, waaaaaay over the top.)
 
However, there’s a couple of problems with conspiracies writers need to be careful of, tip-toeing around them like one would a minefield… because they can also blow up in your face while you’re busy gleefully writing them. These problems exist in the real world, too, which is why intelligent people roll their eyes every time we hear the newest conspiracy theory. (The Covid pandemic in particular has been a rich lode from which to mine all sorts of loony conspiracy theories. For example… no, Covidiots, wearing a little piece of cloth over the lower half of your face has not been an underhanded attempt to stifle your political freedoms… nor have shadowy groups included microchips in vaccines to track your every movement --- and they actually don’t need to, because you’ve been providing 24/7 tracking data on yourself ever since you bought your first cell phone.) I could go on almost endlessly… the JFK assassination… 9/11… faking the manned lunar landings… 45’s loss-which-was-really-a-win… but I won’t, because there’s really no point. The conspiracy-addicted/addled mind possesses some uniquely bizarre ability to ignore the sane and rational, reveling and wallowing in the sensational, improbable details of their favourite conspiracy. Conspiracy nuts don’t want to listen to the voice of reason. Being crazy is, apparently, much more fun.
 
(Although I do think we can all at least understand the sweet siren call of conspiracies. In a dark and oft-inexplicable world, conspiracy theories do provide explanations comforting the ignorant, the bewildered, and the terrified. Pointing at shadowy bogey-men as culprits to our woes feels better than pointing at nameless hissings in the murk.)
 
The first problem with conspiracy theories is people must be far more competent --- on a large scale --- than humans almost ever are. Again, we can look at the recent pandemic: most governments and NGOs around the planet instituted mitigation responses ranging from barely adequate to abysmally incompetent. And that’s against a clearly defined foe, with clearly defined necessary steps needing to be implemented. Thank God Covid wasn’t either as transmissible or nearly as lethal as Stephen King’s superflu in his book The Stand.
 
The second problem is most conspiracies require large numbers of people to be involved --- sometimes hundreds or even thousands --- and the scale of the necessary coverup is unimaginable. Every last freaking participant must keep their mouth shut. Forever. And folks, here’s another little truism regarding human nature: people just can’t do that. What’s a guaranteed way of spreading a secret? Tell the person you’re revealing it to that it is a secret --- a big-ass, deep, dark secret --- and they mustn’t tell anyone. Ever. People have this weird, obsessive-compulsive need to share secrets, bless their black little arrogant hearts.
 
So, as a writer, you need to make sure your chosen shadowy group responsible for carrying out the story’s dark little conspiracy is almost superhuman in both core competencies and collective ability to Keep Their Frickin’ Mouths Shut. If you can solve those two thorny little issues and make the reader believe the conspirators are still mere mortals like the rest of us… well, then, congratulations. I’m currently working on those things with The Commanderie of Light, and when I’ve finished, they should be a really nasty, ruthless, efficient little group of people.
 
Bwahahahaha! indeed.
 
 

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    D.R. Ranshaw's Blog

    Author of The Annals of Arrinor series.  Lover of great literature, fine wine, and chocolate. Not necessarily in that order.

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