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D.R. Ranshaw

D.R. RANSHAW

Hey, That's Cheating!

6/24/2024

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I’m kinda torn.
 
In my Twitterfeed (yes, you heard me, Twitter… not some idiotic random letter of the alphabet favoured by a certain narcissistic billionaire owner --- and calling him narcissistic is like saying the Pacific Ocean contains some water) I frequently post various writing memes, complete with my own captions I lightheartedly/naïvely believe are entertaining/droll. Some memes focus on sadistic habits writers often display regarding the trials and tribulations of their literary characters i.e. a predilection for making character lives so thoroughly and completely miserable, even the Marquis de Sade would blush with embarrassment. However, today, writing brothers and sisters, I come before you as an aggrieved reader/viewer, with a Serious Literary Complaint. (I realize the potential contradictory minefield I’m opening myself up to in penning this epistle, but we’ll see where it goes anyway. More on this later. Right now, like I said, I’m playing the part of Wounded Reader/Viewer, complete with plot spoilers from my chosen example. You’ve Been Warned.)
 
My wife and I like to end most days of our frenetic retired lives (he said with puckish tongue-in-cheek attitude) by watching an episode or two of various series on one of the many streaming platforms out there. (Like most, I suspect, we subscribe to far too many to really use any of them cost-effectively, but we’ll leave that little nugget of conspicuous consumption alone for now.) My tastes, given what I write, unsurprisingly tend to run to science fiction and fantasy, where dark, dystopian themes abound, while hers are mostly gentler, period dramas with good dollops of redemption. However, I’m quite amenable to watching ‘her’ shows --- most of the time, anyway, as long as they’re not too treacly, and in return, she’ll return the favour… as long as mine aren’t too dark. (She refused to watch Game of Thrones with me after the Red Wedding, for example, which was understandable.)
 
The series we’re currently watching is Grantchester, a British mystery-drama, based on novels by James Runcie. Set in early 1950s England, it focuses on the unlikely friendship between an amateur sleuth who just happens to be an Anglican priest in his day job, and a world-weary police inspector. They’re World War II veterans, and clearly suffer from PTSD as a result --- which, of course, wasn’t a diagnosis back then, so they wrestle with their collective demons as best they can… which, at times, isn’t very well at all. I suppose you’ve gotta love flawed protagonists --- I’m fully aware how boring perfect protagonists are --- but my gosh, these two sure take the flawed label and run with it at various moments. (I’m not a big fan of the catastrophically self-destructive protagonist… if I want to watch a train wreck in slow motion, there are plenty of grisly videos on YouTube, where the emotional commitment is much less, thanks very much.)
 
Now, our Anglican priest, Sydney Chambers, has had a love for one Amanda Hopkins (nee Kendall) for a long, long time --- it predates the series by a long stretch. Their relationship has been full of ‘almost’ and ‘not-quite’ and ‘what-if,’ but the plain unvarnished truth is, she’s a well-to-do heiress and upper-class type as only the British can do it, and he’s just an ex-soldier who became a lowly Anglican parish priest, so, as the English say, ‘it’s just not on’ that the two of them could ever marry, especially as far as her family is concerned. I’m not sure anyone besides Sydney is really surprised when Amanda winds up, at the behest of her crusty father, marrying a toffee-nosed upper-class twit who, it turns out, makes George Banks look warm and cuddly.
 
One would think this would be the end of Sydney and Amanda’s relationship. But… one would be wrong. Completely, utterly wrong. They keep bumping into each other… by accident and by design. It’s painfully obvious they still have feelings for each other, magnified by the fact Amanda is deeply unhappy in her marriage to a cold, distant husband --- who’s not above anger and jealousy over the fact his wife is still in touch with Sydney. Even Amanda’s eventual pregnancy doesn’t curb her feelings for Sydney… if anything it magnifies her misery and hopelessness of being trapped in a loveless marriage.
 
Eventually, at second season’s end, a very pregnant Amanda leaves her husband just prior to Christmas. She hangs out with a sympathetic aunt for a while, until her daddy, hard-nosed and callous even during the season of peace and goodwill, threatens to fire auntie’s husband, whom he just happens to employ. So a distraught Amanda trudges off through newly fallen snow into the darkness, winding up (unsurprisingly) at Sydney’s vicarage just in time to give birth. Unlike a certain other unmarried mother, there’s room at this inn, and the season ends with Sydney and Amanda framing a newborn baby, wondering how on earth their relationship is going to work. After all, she’s deserted her husband, divorces were waaay more difficult to obtain in 1950s England, and Anglican clergy weren’t permitted to marry divorcees. But true love will find a way… or so we’re led to believe.
 
Now, it’s at this point that I become the Wounded Viewer… though I have to make a rather horrendous confession in order to do so: you see… I looked ahead in our good friend Wikipedia’s episode summaries for Grantchester, because I didn’t want to wait to see how their relationship would resolve. (I know, I know. Mea culpa. Guess we all have feet of clay.) And… wait for it… Sydney and Amanda’s relationship… Doesn’t. Work. Out. (Warned ya.)
 
As a reader/viewer, I say… writers, don’t do this to us. It’s cheating! J’accuse! J’accuse you of leading us to believe that, like Westley and Buttercup, Things Would Work Out and True Love Would Prevail. And we hates it when gritty reality intervenes, precious, yessss we does.
 
Now, as a writer, I say… pfft. Deal with it. I never promised you they’d live happily ever after (which, as Orson Welles once adroitly pointed out, depends on where you want to stop your story).
 
So… yeah. Feeling a little torn about this, depending which literary hat I’m wearing.
 
But I’ll get over it.

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More. And More. And...

5/20/2024

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What would Gene think of Star Trek: Discovery? Or Ronald think of Rings of Power? Or Frank think of Bijaz of Dune? I was musing on this and other existential life conundrums the other day when news came out that the second season of Rings of Power will premiere later this year.
 
I happen to think the answer is pretty easy, even though Gene’s kid is listed in the credits of the latest batch of Star Trek spinoffs as a producer. And Ronald’s kid, who created a thriving cottage industry cribbing stories from dad’s notes, signed off on the multi-million-dollar deal giving Hollywood the rights to the various other Middle Earth tales besides Bilbo’s and Frodo’s. And Frank’s kid was the (putative) author of about a thousand progressively sillier Dune sequels after daddio went to the great spice vault in the sky. (I’m sensing a trend here of children robbing their parents’ lucrative literary corpses. And I’m being very charitable --- one meme I saw referred to it as children raping their parent’s literary corpses.)
 
(As an Interesting-If-Thoroughly-Irrelevant Aside, I actually met Gene Roddenberry once and had coffee with him. It’s true, I swear on my copy of the Federation Charter. He was booked to speak at my university, and the student union vice president in charge of programming was an acquaintance of mine --- I can’t really say ‘friend,’ because he sorta stole my girlfriend at the time from me. Long story, which we can discuss another time if you really want the sordid details. Anyway, I chanced on him as he was heading to the airport to pick up Mr. Roddenberry, and he invited me along. Despite the source, I needed no second invitation, so we went. Although the airline had misplaced the Great Man’s luggage, he was incredibly gracious, inviting a couple of stumbling, nerdish university students i.e. us up to his room for coffee and conversation… which was the second time that day I needed no second invitation.)
 
Anyway. This sequel-upon-sequel-upon-sequel-ad-nauseum thing is a relatively recent phenomenon, I think… and by recent, I mean the last few decades. After all, you don’t see too many people writing sequels to Hamlet or Alice Through the Looking Glass or Pilgrim’s Progress. It is, I believe, an outgrowth of the fact that most of us, in our modern narcissistic, if-less-is-more-just-think-how-much-more-more-will-be philosophy (thank you, Dr. Frasier Crane, for that pithy but accurate summation of our society) subscribe to the notion that when we like something, we tend to like it a lot. And we want more of it. Lots more. Studios and authors (or their rapacious children) are only too willing to oblige, because, let’s face it, sequels come with a lot of the groundwork already done. Characters? Check. Settings? Check. Background detail about the worlds concerned? Check. In fact… even stories? Check, if daddy was thoughtful/planned enough to leave behind copious notes, as Tolkien and Herbert apparently did.
 
Now, I need to add a disclaimer at this point, because it may sound like I’m trashing these three (extremely lucrative) franchises: I’m not. I love Star Trek in all its incarnations. Have done since I was a tadpole in elementary school --- though, to my annoyance, my parents wouldn’t let me watch The Original Series as episodes initially aired, because Star Trek was on way past this then-third grader’s bedtime. And Tolkien is my literary demi-god --- reading The Lord of the Rings for the first time at the tenderly precocious age of 12 was life-changing. And the first two Dune books were amazing. (After that, they got increasingly, perplexingly ridiculous. I quickly decided Frank was starting to believe his own press releases, and stopped lining his and later Brian’s pockets with money they clearly didn’t deserve.)
 
But these sequels… augh, these sequels, he wailed with varying degrees of anguish. Here’s the answer to the question I posed at the beginning: Gene, Ronald, Frank… I think they would have collectively been appalled. Aghast. Amazed (but not in a good way). Angst-ridden. And a host of other alliterative descriptors. The first season of Rings of Power was… okay. (Although as I age, I become more and more impatient with characters who clearly can’t see threats which are plain as the ring on your finger. Yes, I’m talking to you, Galadriel, because there’s clearly something off about this Halbrand guy, and if I can tell he’s likely Sauron, why can’t you? Haven’t any of you ever read works or watched films in your genre? Well, the answer is: apparently not. It’s akin to the characters in horror stories who decide to split up while searching the haunted house, because they can cover more ground that way. Like… really, guys? Seriously?!)
 
So, yeah, Rings of Power was okay. But it wasn’t Tolkien, not really: it was yer standard swords and sorcery template, inserting names of several Tolkien characters. Yeah, I know, these series all say ‘based on the works by’ which means all they have to do is make nodding acquaintance with the original works to make us all wistfully believe we’ll be seeing the originals miraculously resurrected. Kind of like Tinkerbelle, I guess.
 
But, he whispered, glancing furtively over his shoulder… maybe… maybe… we should be leaving these beloved, deceased authors alone and not keep trying to milk yet another megabuck from their literary oeuvres. Maybe we should be boldly going where no writer has gone before.
 
Or at least trying to. 

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The Stories We Had...

4/29/2024

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Ah, the stories we had…
 
In my last post, I was all set to wax philosophical about an English textbook I got in senior high school as a fresh-faced young scholar, and later used myself as an English teacher. But, in one of my patented teaching modes --- my students used to insist that, during class lectures or discussions, I’d go off on a tangent at the drop of a hat --- I spent most of the post discharging some long-festering psychological freight I’ve clearly been carrying around for quite some time. So. Today… Story and Structure (second edition). Published by Harcourt, Brace & World, 1966.
 
(I hastily add I was not in high school in 1966. No dinosaurs here, no sirree. My name and the date --- 1975-76 --- is clearly labelled in pen on the inside cover… which is a whole ten years after publication. No, I’m not doing the math for you. Take my word, I’m just a spring chicken. Still wet behind the ears. On my first rodeo. Just born yesterday. And a host of other hoary old clichés.)
 
(And I’m afraid the exact stories we read from the text in that, my grade 12 year, are lost in the mists of time. I mean, it has been a year or six. Or more. Mrs. Pogue, my English teacher for both grades 10 and 12, God rest her soul, was a kindly older woman who once compared my writing to Thomas Hardy. She meant it as a compliment, and I was highly flattered until I actually read Tess of the D’Urbervilles in first-year university. Then, well, not so much: I found Tess dense, turgid, and dreadfully dull; given the choice, I would cheerfully have consigned her to the depths of DNF hell. But her tale was for an assignment, so, being the conscientious academic type I was, that wasn’t an option, and it never occurred to me to go hunting for the Coles Notes. However… I read Tess over the weekend before the term paper was due (subscribing to the long scholastic tradition of never doing today what you can put off until tomorrow). I vividly remember having the mother of all colds at the time, so was heavily hopped up on cold medicines, which back in the day, seemed to contain stuff a helluva lot more potent than today’s ‘all-natural, gentle ingredients.’ So I’m prepared to admit I may not have been completely in my right mind when reading Tess, and perhaps should give both her and Mr. Hardy another chance.)
 
Hmm. I begin to understand what my students meant about tangents. Let’s rewind a little. So. Today… Story and Structure (second edition). Published by Harcourt, Brace & World, 1966.
 
When I began teaching English, I sought for my students stories I had fond memories of, so it wasn’t long before I spotted my copy of Story and Structure, and we were off down memory lane. Man, for one textbook, it was a treasure trove of classic, great, readable short stories. And its essays on the elements of the short story contained all sorts of grist for the mill, which I used in my classes. So herewith, a short compendium, in no particular order, of some of those great stories I read, enjoyed, and shared with a new generation of students.
 
Hernando Tellez, Just Lather, That’s All A barber who’s also a secret revolutionary in an unnamed South American country is given the chance to bring his straight razor up against the throat of his worst enemy, the local government commander. But our barber discovers getting your heart’s desire isn’t necessarily always a good thing.
 
Willa Cather, Paul’s Case Like many people in our incredibly affluent, fantasy-driven society, Paul cannot bear the reality of life on the lower rungs of the ladder. When given the opportunity, he bolts with a wad of stolen money to live the high life he’s always dreamed of. But it comes with a dreadful cost.
 
James Thurber, The Catbird Seat Erwin Martin, described as a “drab, ordinary little man” by his nemesis, is one of the millions of worker drones who toil in white-collar offices day after day. But when he realizes that the foundations of his well-ordered world are in peril from the forces of progress/chaos, he thwarts the threat by acting completely against type.
 
Shirley Jackson, The Lottery Oh, man, what need I say about this classic? Is there a high school student in North America who hasn’t read this cautionary tale about the dangers of mindless conformity and complacence?
 
Frank O’Connor, The Drunkard A young Irish boy accompanies his dad into the local pub, swiping the old man’s beer when no one’s looking. Unintentional hilarity ensues, with a bonus finish to the tale which you might not expect.
 
Paul Gallico, The Enchanted Doll American writer Paul Gallico, who would go on to great fame with The Poseidon Adventure, wrote this intimate, tender story about the power of love to heal all kinds of physical and spiritual hurts.
 
John Collier, Thus I Refute Beelzy A creepy little tale about a young boy’s imaginary friend who turns out to be unpleasantly, evilly, not so imaginary. The giveaway is in the title…
 
D.H. Lawrence, The Rocking Horse Winner An unexpected entry from D.H. Lawrence, who was far more famous for his (at the time of publication) shockingly explicit Lady Chatterley’s Lover. The Rocking Horse Winner is another creepy story about a young boy who uses supernatural forces to predict the outcome of horse races, with suitably creepy results.
 
Jean-Paul Sartre, The Wall Sartre is most famous as a philosopher, but this story, set during the Spanish Civil War --- the title refers to the wall where prisoners are stood against to be shot --- is really a tale of death and strange chances, which leads to a suitable plot twist and surprise ending.
 
Philip Roth, Defender of the Faith An egocentric, narcissist young soldier-in-training is taught an important life lesson by his sergeant in this World War Two tale.
 
Katherine Mansfield, Miss Brill A sad tale about the callousness of people and the power of words to puncture dreams.
 
So there we have it. Masterpieces of the short story, all of them. If you’re unfamiliar with any or all… correct that mistake forthwith, will you?
 
 
 

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Oh, The Stories We Told...

3/18/2024

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Down in my basement, tucked in a corner of what used to be the kids’ playroom but nowadays is an adjunct storage area, are two nondescript filing cabinets from Staples --- a four-drawer and a two-drawer --- with a bunch of textbooks and rolls of posters stacked/thrown on top.
 
(I bought the filing cabinets, by the way, lest you scurrilously suspect I might’ve pilfered them from my employer. Oh, no, perish the thought: I had to purchase them myself when I arrived at what turned out to be my final school, because there were no filing cabinets at all in my new classroom. WTF? I asked the head caretaker, an amiable fellow who didn’t move too fast and turned out to be always amenable to stop for a chat, if he might have any kicking around. He looked first amused, then extremely dubious as he belatedly realized I wasn’t joking. But he eventually allowed as he might have something stored in the bowels of the school, so we descended several levels, past clanking steam pipes and roaring machinery which irresistibly reminded me of deserted, haunted dystopian factories. Eventually, we reached a subterranean storeroom full of scarred, dusty furniture which clearly hadn’t seen use since the time of Dickens. He pointed at one venerable piece and said that was all he had by way of filing cabinets. I peered more closely and blinked: it resembled nothing so much as an old-fashioned card catalogue --- Google it, Gen Xers --- which clearly was bafflingly unsuitable, so I just thanked him politely and we climbed back up out of Morlocks territory. Then, muttering to myself about what a cheap bunch of Shylocks my employers were, I hied myself over to Staples, and came back with the filing cabinets. When I retired, my wife asked if I was going to donate the filing cabinets to the school, and I replied with some spirit that I’d be damned if I was going to give the parsimonious bastards $400 worth of filing cabinets. Sorry. Long story, which really doesn’t even have anything to do with the point of today’s epistle, but there it is. Clearly, I still have some issues to work through regarding my former employer.)
 
(Caretakers always liked me, by the way, because I kept my classroom immaculate. I don’t mean I polished the floors or anything, but for example, kids writing on desks knew if I caught them, they’d be cleaning ALL the desks after school, armed with paper towels and a can of Comet. And perhaps most importantly, I just made sure they cleaned up after themselves… which, as any parent knows, is something of a challenge when you’re dealing with only one hormonal adolescent, let alone 35. So, yes, caretakers liked me: when they got to my room on their rounds after school ended for the day, it didn’t look like an EF5 tornado had just gone through. In fact, it looked pretty pristine. I’ll always remember one couple of cleaners, a man and a woman, who spoke very little English; they’d just come in, smile and nod respectfully, gesture to ask whether it was okay to come in, and go about silently emptying the garbage cans and giving the floors a quick sweep, which was usually all which was needed. One day, they obviously felt something more was warranted, though, so the woman, struggling a bit with the words, said to me, “We… like your… room.” I thought she was referring to the decorations --- I had every inch of wallspace decorated with posters --- so I thanked her and thought that was it. But she continued, determined to make her meaning clear. “Yes… is very clean… not like others.”)
 
Anyway. The filing cabinets. Yes. They’re mute evidence, all that physically remains, of thirty-four and a half years spent in the public teaching trenches of secondary school. They contain my teaching units from junior and senior high English (along with my junior high social studies units). I was not one of those teachers who walked out of school on the last day with no more than my lunch bag, no indeed. Sure, when I retired, I recycled class sets of readings, scads of documents, and old markbooks --- I could tell you what grade Mortimer Snerd earned in English 9 back in 1991, for example --- but couldn’t emotionally bring myself to part with my various units. Many of them were like old friends, and I could even measure the year’s progress by what I taught when. (“Oh, look, it’s time to teach the business letter with the grade nines… must be nearly Christmas.”) I know this may sound sounds just a little bit strange, but again, there it is.
 
And… on top of the filing cabinets, as mentioned, a bunch of textbooks… and the Lantern O’ Learning. I inherited the LOL (the initials were quite unintentional, I swear) from the room’s previous occupant, who departed hastily in the middle of the year --- I won’t say ‘in the dark of night’ but there were times it kinda seemed like that --- leaving quite a lot of flotsam behind in the process. I’ve included a picture of it (and the Infamous Filing Cabinets) at the head of this post to save myself the bother of describing it --- following in the footsteps of the immortal Chekhov, who exhorted us as writers to ‘show, don’t tell.’ As I was setting up my classroom, I came across the LOL and wondered what the hell it was doing there and, more importantly, what the hell to do with it. Then, rather like the Grinch, I got an awful, wonderful idea: I’d call it the Lantern O’ Learning, put it up above the whiteboard at the front, and add a sign saying, “This week, the Lantern O’ Learning Is…” and add some pithy, relevant, sarcastic educational commentary. Oh, yes. I won’t go so far as to compare my teaching style to Sgt. Hartman of Full Metal Jacket fame, but I definitely was not Miss Honey from Matilda, either. Couldn’t be, what with the aforementioned hormonal adolescents and all.
 
But it worked, and I (mostly) loved my job. For 34 and a half years.
 
(I haven’t even gotten to the subject of today’s epistle --- I was going to talk about one of the textbooks in particular --- but I’ve reached and passed my self-imposed limit of 1K words, so… next time.)

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Sequels, Sequels Everywhere

2/26/2024

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While sitting at my desk --- weak and weary, as Ed would say --- pondering on a topic for today’s epistle, I chanced, not upon a tapping, but a picture on my Twitter feed, and lo, inspiration was born. Thanks, Twitter. These days, you’re mostly like the child who was horrid --- though I’m not sure you were ever really a source of golden erudition --- but once in a while, you’re still fairly good, or at least not bad. And you’re pretty much always a great source of grist for the blog mill. Even if some narcissistic billionaire is vainly trying to rename you as the 24th letter of the alphabet.
 
What was the picture? An image of Venom in all his disgusting glory --- you know, the comically repulsive creature from the eponymous film franchise --- accompanied by a Tweet saying filming on Venom 3 has just completed. Oh, frabjous day. Callooh. Callay. I’m over the moon. (Given the difficulties so many people seem to have over interpreting the written word when there’s no audible reading or visual body language to accompany it, let me assure you I couldn’t give a flying cow turd over the Venom films. Saw the first one. It was… mildly entertaining, I suppose. The fact a second installment exists was news to me, in an indifferent kind of way. And a third… yawn. Nope. Won’t be watching. Sorry, Venom lovers. You’re entitled to your opinions. So am I.)
 
Anyway, the crux of the matter, and today’s related subject, is the concept of sequels. And I started, in my best teacher-ish fashion, by thinking how we define them. Which is a bit of a problem, actually: on reflection, I guess we could say it’s more story when the original is done. Not finished, mind, just done, because, when you get right down to it, anyone’s given story is only finished when we shuffle off that mortal coil, as Will says. At least on this mortal plane. Afterwards… well, that’s another issue entirely, and I don’t feel like getting too metaphysical today. And Orson Welles famously said that if you want a happy ending, that depends on where you stop your story.
 
But if a story engages us, if we like it, as in really like it… why, then we don’t want it to end. I know I don’t, and I’m pretty sure there’s a person or six out there who feels the same. (Stephen King says he occasionally gets fan letters asking whatever happened to such and such a character from this or that story, as though he gets mail from them once in a while.) We want more adventures from our favourite characters. We want more scrapes, more death-defying escapes, more conflict, more loving, more redemption, more…. well, more, bless our greedy little hearts.
 
I know there are purists out there who whine about sequels, as in, “why do a sequel? Make something original, FFS.” And I’ve got news for those purists: there ain’t nothing original out there, sweethearts. Not after five thousand or so years of recorded history. Don’t believe me? Google ‘seven story premises’ or words to that effect and you’ll see what I mean. On second thought, it you’re prone to disillusionment about the state of human creativity, you may not want to do that. But it’s certainly food for thought.
 
Which is not to be construed as a blanket endorsement of sequels, mind you. Some are horrendously unimaginative and waaaaay worse than the original. Some are downright silly. You look at them and instinctively check the book cover or the film synopsis and wonder if you’ve stumbled into some awful alternate reality, where writers or filmmakers deliberately go about destroying a story. Sometimes the magic truly was ‘lightning in a bottle’ and unrepeatable for some strange reason. Sometimes I’m quite convinced somebody whispered into the writer’s ear that they could make a potful of money if they would just crank up the computer and crank out some more about a particular character, and the result is little short of a crime against literature.  Quoth the raven, nevermore, indeed.
 
Some sequels --- perhaps not too many --- are, dare I say it, actually better than the original. Most of us tend to agree Aliens was much better than Alien, for example. (Though we won’t even begin to discuss how the franchise drove off a cliff and crashed and burned after that.) Or The Lord of the Rings (LOTR) being superior to The Hobbit… though I’m not really sure that’s a fair comparison; LOTR both is and isn’t a sequel. For starters, the two books were written for totally different audiences: The Hobbit was a children’s work, which LOTR most definitely is not (Peter Jackson’s sometimes very peculiar filmic attempts notwithstanding), and LOTR’s background mythology predates the Hobbit, anyway. Sure, it’s a continuation of the Hobbit’s story --- albeit largely with new characters --- so it certainly checks that box.
 
Ultimately, I’m not sure it matters a helluva lot, anyway. I’ve long since come to the conclusion it isn’t what the story’s plotline is, it’s how it’s told. If the tale seems fresh and original (even if it’s not), if it’s well-written and engaging, if it makes us pause around the fire at night and want to hear more as we stare up at the stars and wonder… if it’s thought-provoking and makes us laugh and cry and reflect on the human condition we all (hypothetically) share… then I don’t think it matters we’ve heard this basic premise before.
 
Evermore.

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Of Word Counts and Writing Rules

1/29/2024

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There’s always a great deal of prattle on Twitter (not X, which is naught more than the 24th letter of the alphabet and which, as Indiana Jones noted, never marks the spot) lately about The Rules of Writing. Well, there’s always a great deal of prattle on Twitter, period. And most of it is unbearably banal. Why are you on it, then? some (half)wit never fails to ask cheekily. Shut up, I explain… and so we move on.
 
This current prattle, though, assumed particular relevance for me as I prepare my current work in progress (AKA cherished child/baby/prodigy/work of genius, etc.) for the cold, hard world of querying… a task which makes sending one’s child off to school for the first time look like… well, like child’s play in comparison. My (theoretically) complete WIP clocks in at just over 178,000 words, and I was being uneasily reminded by Them i.e. self-proclaimed Grand Poohbahs of writing rules that, oh, agents insist on nothing above 100-120 thousand words for a debut novel. (This WIP isn’t technically my debut, having self-published some years ago, but we’ll not split literary hairs over the issue.) And frankly, I’d just like to point out that, given George R.R. Martin’s works routinely clock in somewhere north of a quarter of a million words, give or take, my little 178K tale seems charmingly compact in comparison. (Yes, but he’s famous and you’re… well… so not, that same halfwit I mentioned earlier says. To which I reply… well, never mind, because this reply is a lot less civil than my previous one.
 
In any event, I’m not so narcissistically in love with my own words that I can’t --- at least grudgingly, at times --- admit they could always do with a trim or six. In the brilliant 1984 film Amadeus, there’s a scene where no less a personage than the Emperor of Austria suggests Mozart cut a little from his famous opera The Abduction from the Seraglio. Never mind the fact that the Emperor is a musical idiot; Mozart’s incredulous reaction mirrors that of many self-righteous authors when told to cut their word count: “I don’t understand, Majesty… there are precisely as many notes as are required, neither more nor less.” Folks, don’t be a Mozart. There’s always room to cut some words. Especially since so many writers (including yours truly in his rare moments of honesty) do, or have at one time or another subscribed to what I have fancifully dubbed The Crane Doctrine, after the self-important but lovable psychiatrist Dr. Frasier Crane from the eponymous TV show: “If less is more, just think how much more more will be!” Yeah… nope. Don’t do it, folks. Don’t get sucked in by that little interior voice seductively whispering how much better that scene will be if you just add a little more exposition… or dialogue… or world-building.
 
So, what do we do? We follow my Rules of Writing. Don’t worry, it’s not a long list, because I roll my eyes at most of the lists famous writers have generated over the years. For example, Elmore Leonard had a long list of rules, some of which were… useful… others, just frankly loopy. Same with Stephen King. Steve famously has a hate-on for adverbs, despite the fact he’s been seen to use an adverb or six in his books. Like, guys, come on. Or the more anonymous rule that Everything Must Advance the Plot, Or It’s Out. That’s bull manure.
 
What are my writing rules, then? I have just two. (I used to have more, but I edited them down. Really.) The first is: Write the Best Damned Story You Can. Give it your all. Pour your heart and soul into it, and ask yourself: does the story flow like fine wine? Is it drinkable like same? (I once chastised a principal trying to dictate teaching methodology to me. I said I asked three questions of my teaching practices: were kids learning? Were they engaged? Were they enjoying the experience? If I could answer yes to all three, don’t tell me how to do this. The same, I think, can be said about writing, at least with the latter two questions --- maybe the first, come to that.)
 
The second rule is: write competently. You’re a writer, dammit, so make sure you’ve got the mechanics down. I see writers on social media who laugh sheepishly and say they can’t spell, or are hopeless at grammar or the physical construction of language, but it doesn’t matter, and once again, I call bullshit on that, folks. It does matter --- and spellcheckers and AI be damned. You’ve chosen your craft, now know it. Would you want your surgeon to say they’re no good at suturing? Your lawyer to say they’re no good at cross examining witnesses? Your fire fighter to say they just don’t have the hang of shooting high-pressure streams of water at raging conflagrations? (For the lesser lights out there, these are all rhetorical questions, by the way.)
 
Ultimately, if you can say with conviction that you have followed those two simple rules… don’t worry whether your story is good enough. You’ve done what you can. If others find it any good, and fortune is kind, it will, first, find someone willing to flog it to the publishing industry, and second, find an audience once it’s out in the world. Hopefully a large one. After all, we write for ourselves, because we have to --- well, except mindless hacks, anyway --- but I don’t know of any writers who write just for themselves. We write in isolation; we seek readers to share our tales with --- despite our fears of their irrational critical reactions, bless their black little readers’ hearts.
 
Oh, and that WIP of mine? I am editing it again… currently have it down by 5000 words, and counting. Agents will either like the story, or they won’t… but if they don’t, it won’t be because I’ve padded the thing and then refused to cut away the fat.
 
See you in the query trenches.

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The Chosen One

12/18/2023

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Christmas is just around the corner, so it naturally follows that it’s an excellent time to discuss something frequently on the minds and lips of writers, judging by my Twitter feed (NOT X, despite the narcissistic desires of a certain nameless, delusional billionaire): The Chosen One trope. Some readers/viewers/writers love it. Others loathe it, with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. Me? I don’t get particularly wound up about it either way… I’ll explain why momentarily.
 
(And no, I’m not going to explain why it’s an especially appropriate topic at this time of year. Figure it out, dude… ain’t exactly rocket science.)
 
According to Wikipedia (so it MUST be correct, he said with a straight face… though perhaps just a smidgeon of irony), our relevant definition is: “The Chosen One, also known as The One or The Chosen, is a narrative trope (which Wikipedia also defines as ‘a commonly recurring or overused literary device, motif or cliché’) where one character, usually the protagonist, is framed as the inevitable hero or antihero of the story, as a result of destiny, unique gifts, and/or special lineage.” Let’s pause and examine those qualifiers a moment.
 
Destiny is an interesting one when you get right down to it, because it implies the character has been chosen by a higher power (i.e. God or whatever term you wish to use) to complete a specific task or quest. I’m sorry, secular humanists, but it does. In a purely atheistic, cause-and-effect universe, there’s no such thing as destiny. (Or ‘magic,’ either, by the way.) Which, of course, opens up a whole ‘nother can of worms i.e. are we merely puppets, or do we possess free will? Philosophers have been arguing about this one for thousands of years, so don’t expect a definitive answer from me… though I will say that if we’re just going through a series of pre-determined motions, it would seem to take the point out of doing anything… and be really boring to watch. Just sayin’
Unique Gifts… this one’s a little vague. What do we mean by it? Abilities? Special abilities? Really special abilities? It’s open to just about anything the author wants to make it.
Lineage… perhaps the most predictable/boring of the three. Because the character’s mom/dad/siblings/myriad-other-relative-possibilities performed some function or had some role --- king, queen, chief financial officer, Grand High Poohbah --- our protagonist becomes the hereditary recipient of Protagonist status. Yay.
 
Literary example, you ask? Well, arguably one of the more famous Chosen Ones in literature these days is Harry Potter… in fact, to make sure dimwitted types get the message, Jo even labelled Harry… wait for it… the Chosen One. Ta da! He certainly checks off all three boxes our Wikipedia friends include: destiny (the one destined to destroy Voldemort… though given the fact that Rowling’s work is really, really secular, the destiny thing is a tad ironic --- Lev Grossman famously said that, if you want to know who dies in Harry Potter, the answer is God); unique gifts (the Boy Who Lived and also, incidentally, became a horcrux); and/or special lineage (child of James and Lily --- hey, that’s special). You have to love it when an author hits you over the head with a hammer to make sure they’re driving the point home in a way intellectually challenged readers will understand. Subtlety is apparently out of fashion these days. (Well, after all, it does require a modicum of intelligence, which, given the current state of things on our sorry little rock, is apparently in very short supply.)
 
I said earlier I don’t tend to get too worked up about the whole Chosen One trope, and, full disclosure, part of the reason why is because… well, I’ve used it myself. And it’s a trope that’s been around a helluva long time --- I mean, you can go back to ancient Greek mythology and there it is, staring at you from behind gigantic pectoral muscles. Or moving forward in time a little, you could argue a protagonist or six in Will’s plays tend to be Chosen One types.
 
The other part of the reason why I don’t particularly mind the Chosen One trope is because… well, it works. Yeah, I know part of the trope definition talks about cliché, which is the overuse of a literary device. But here’s the thing, folks: as humans, we’re walking clichés. Most of us aren’t nearly as original as our vanity likes to think we are. Stereotypes and clichés? Writers use them because they’re the real deal, things every reader who ever lived can easily relate to.
 
And you know, when you get right down to it, just about every protagonist is a chosen one… even if they’re just a pastoral hobbit with no particular lineage, destiny, or abilities… save one. One very important ability: they need to be WILLING to accept what Will lightheartedly called ‘the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.’ (It’s no good having a protagonist who says, ‘Screw this. I’m going home, getting under the quilt, and staying there. Might make a blanket fort.’ Actually, you pretty much don’t ever get that… because then you don’t have a protagonist… or a story. Even Katniss Everdeen, that Mountain of Misery, was willing… well, kind of. Though I bet she later privately regretted that crazy moment of wild abandon when she volunteered as tribute in place of her sister.) Frodo? No special lineage… sure he’s cousin to Bilbo, the finder of the Ring (NOT nephew, BTW… that’s strictly a Peter Jackson thing), but so what? Destiny? Well, maybe. Gandalf certainly seems to think Frodo was meant to get the Ring. Abilities? Umm… not particularly. I mean, really, Frodo really isn’t hero material at all. Except that he’s willing to accept the booby prize and take the damned Ring on what he knows is likely a one-way suicide trip.
 
That’s really all which is required. No ‘Chosen One’ tropes… no ability to slay mighty dragons with one magical sword-thrust… just a willingness to do the job, even if it’s dirty and unpleasant and likely to cause severe complications like death.
 
As Will would say, ‘tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.
 
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What Do Films Owe Books?

11/27/2023

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So here’s a rather amazing thing: the other week on Twitter (which is what it will always be to me and millions of others, despite the petulant efforts of a certain narcissistic multibillionaire who seems bizarrely, perversely, inexplicably determined to run his acquired social media app into the ground), I had a brief exchange with a fellow Twit, an exchange in which we civilly expressed opposing views in a calm, reasonable manner. It wasn’t exactly a Kumbaya moment, but given how most social media these days is filled with shrilly vitriolic poop, usually thrown around with wild abandon rather like primates in a frenzied fight at the zoo, I was left thinking this was one of those ‘brief and shining literary moments’ I used to talk about with my high school English students back in the day. Ah, memories…
 
The actual exchange dealt with one of my daily posts, which usually display various humorous takes on writers and the writing process. (Not original takes, I hasten to add… I just shamelessly repost the wit and wisdom of others.) This particular Tweet showed a still from the 2005 film version of Pride and Prejudice, one of the Bennet daughters looking disapprovingly at the camera, and a caption which read, “When someone says the movie was better than the book, but you don’t know them that well so you can’t say anything.” To which I appended my own caption: “But you darn well think it.”
 
I nearly always add a caption. It personalizes the Tweet, and besides, lets people know what a funny guy I am… a reg’lar laff riot, that’s me. Which shows the problem with the printed word, right there, because you probably missed the self-deprecating raising of my eyebrows and the sardonic tone in my voice. Printed media like Tweets, texts, emails, social media posts… they’re all terrible at conveying tone, because readers can’t hear the author’s voice or see their body language. Which usually means that at least one person responding to my Tweets will take literally what I intended as humour. Which leads me to roll my eyes.
 
In this case, my fellow Twit took my Tweet literally, but their response wasn’t eye-rolling. They said that, because books and films are such different formats, it’s unfair to compare them, and that the best advice they’ve received is that the screenwriter owes nothing to the novelist.
 
Now, I agree that books and films are VERY different formats. The critical one is that books stimulate the imagination in truly remarkable fashion, from just a bunch of inky, cryptic squiggles on pieces of refined tree pulp. Amazing. Film takes the place of imagination by providing all the detail, the nuance, the creativity. It does everything so the reader doesn’t have to. All a film-watcher has to be is a passive sponge.
 
I’m not being holier than thou, by the way. Sure, I’ve watched a film or six in my time. Enjoyed many of them, too. And I acknowledged to my fellow Twit that films labour under far stricter time considerations than books do.
 
However, I don’t agree that screenwriters owe nothing to novelists. Comparisons will inevitably be made. If I’m going to watch the Peter Jackson Lord of the Rings (LOTR) trilogy, I expect to see the maximum possible essence of the books in the films. Otherwise, it’s just some random swords and sorcery epic which happens to share the same name as the beloved tale. If changes have to be made --- and, in the interests of time, I get that they will, for film tends to be a pretty ruthless medium that way --- then I expect those changes to be kept to a minimum… although I will deplore them, nonetheless. For example, Tom Bombadil’s character in the LOTR books didn’t directly advance the plot, so out he went in the films, vanishing like a soap bubble. I understand, though I still didn’t like it. The unfortunate thing film fails to grasp, though, is that the Bombadil episode in the book contributes to what Stephen King calls ‘chrome’ --- details which may not, at first glance, appear fundamental to the narrative, but in reality, make the story, taking something bare bones and providing context and texture to make it shine.
Other changes… well, even though Tolkien is kind of my literary demi-god, I have to admit his characterizations of female characters were… well the kindest thing I could say is they’re painfully wooden. But Tolkien’s formative years were in the early part of the 20th century --- hardly a time of female emancipation --- and he was an Oxford don, which was hardly a bastion of progressive policy towards women. Authors write for, and of their times. So I had no particular quarrel with Jackson making LOTR’s female characters far more dynamic and kickass.
 
But Jackson also made major, arbitrary character changes to characters, particularly in the second film (Theoden, Treebeard, and Faramir, if you really want the list), changes which made those characters weaker, more opposed to standing against evil, and that I didn’t like at all. Don’t meddle with the master when you really don’t need to, kids.
 
I understand why they do, of course. Filmmakers are creatives, too, of course, not mindless, slavish copycats --- well, at least not all the time --- and when they think they can improve on a book as they transmogrify it onto film, they will. Sometimes those changes are necessary, because what works in a written medium won’t necessarily work in a visual one. Sometimes those changes work really, really well. Other times, they stink on ice. I guess the ideal solution is for filmmakers to acknowledge the debt they owe authors, and respect authors’ choices to the maximum degree they can.
 
Then we can all get along… which is the main thing, isn’t it?
 

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When Characters Don't Get It

10/16/2023

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Today’s epistle comes courtesy of a friend who asked me about a scene in his current work in progress (WIP). It’s an issue every writer I know, including yours truly, wrestles with on pretty much a constant basis these cynical, dismal days. Dismal days? Oh yes. In fact, if Chuck Dickens was writing A Tale of Two Cities today, I think there’s a strong case to be made for scrapping all the first paragraph’s contradiction and equivocation, skipping straight into: “It was the worst of times… the age of foolishness… the epoch of incredulity… the season of darkness… the winter of despair.” Mind you, such an opener might be… well, a bit of a downer. In the words of Samwise Gamgee, philosopher extraordinaire, “there’s some good in this world… and it’s worth fighting for.” Yikes. Two famous quotations in only my first paragraph. Moving on…
 
If you’re one of those awful people who like to skip to a story’s conclusion to find out whodunnit (Zounds! A pox on thee! as Will would say), I’ll make it easy for you today and provide a teaser: I was made freshly aware of The Issue as I read the scene in question, and found myself writing a notation in the margin at one point: “Would the character not have put two and two together here? Because the rest of us already have.”
 
So, what’s The Issue? you ask. Simply this: readers knowing more than the characters do --- which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. What with the godlike omniscience often granted audiences by the writer, we often know things like… oh, say… there’s a traitor in the midst of the story! A mole! And nobody knows about his or her nefarious goals except… us, the readers, and we’re powerless to do anything about it! ARGGGHHH! That kind of frustration is often a pretty good device. It certainly encourages readers to keep reading, feverishly, seeking resolution and redemption.
 
However… in these latter, dismal days I referenced above… the writer’s difficulty becomes more… urgent… extreme. Case in point: some years ago, before streaming became ‘a thing,’ my wife expressed a desire one Christmas to have all the James Bond films on Blu-ray, so being the dutiful, observant spouse I am, Santa obliged her. On Christmas morning, all 5000 Bond films were sitting under the Christmas tree --- well, it felt like 5000, anyway, because I’d had to source them individually, since no one in the Western world had had the foresight to package them all into a boxed set… and no, I’m not still kinda bitter about that, why would you ask? Anyway, you’re welcome, sweetheart. In the fullness of time i.e. the following dark, bleak, January winter nights, we started wading through the Bond films, from Dr. No all the way up to the latest at the time, which I think was Skyfall (I may have blocked out the memory). And I’m bound to say --- sorry, Bond aficionados --- those early Bond films in particular were dreadful. Beyond dreadful. Crimes against celluloid. Well, maybe not quite that bad, but… never mind the rampant, casual misogyny, the stories were trite and simplistic, complete with cardboard cutout villains and deus ex machina endings up the wazoo. Now, look, I get it… nobody ever accused Ian Fleming (or Albert Broccoli, for that matter) of producing great, deep, thoughtful literature or film. It was escapism, pure and simple. Emphasis on the word simple. But, my gosh… audiences must’ve been far less sophisticated back then.
 
It's the same thing with quite a lot of literature and film nowadays. Few characters seem to have ever read a story or watched a movie in their collective lives, because they still traipse cheerfully into the eerie, darkened, supposedly deserted mansion, where they decide to split up because they can cover more ground that way. Meanwhile we, the world-weary audience, wise in the ways of evil, villainy, and unsportsmanlike conduct… we know the demonic axe antagonist will make hamburger of several characters before the chapter/scene comes to a grisly end. But we’re helpless to do more than holler things like, “No! Don’t do it! What are you thinking?! Don’t you know your bestie is going to betray you?! The cute, shallow blonde is gonna die first! What rock have you been hiding under all your life?!” And other comments of that ilk. In fact, watching something on Netflix/Crave/whatever, my wife and I have developed a bad habit of voicing what we think a character will say moments before they actually do. Then, when it happens, we turn triumphantly to each other and crow, “See! I can write this shit, too!” There’s a lot of really lazy writing out there in film, complete with plot holes big enough to drive a truck through.
 
Now, the counterargument to all this, of course, is that people are: (a) by and large, astoundingly unobservant; and (b) well, not to put too fine a point on it… stupid. We rationalize crap that, frankly, we’ve no business rationalizing. We do and say amazingly ridiculous, petty, foolish, ill-conceived things. All. The. Time. OMG. And we’re terrible about anticipating the consequences of our actions, or inactions. Of such grist are our characters made.
 
Once upon a time, The Mousetrap’s plot-twist ending was breathlessly original and unique. But we’ve come a long way, baby, and readers/viewers are far more worldly --- and jaded --- than they were of yore. (Like, come on guys, how come none of you in the Fellowship picked up on the fact Boromir had a distinctly unhealthy obsession with the Ring, and the odds were pretty good he’d make a play for it himself? ‘Cause we all knew, right from the get-go, and wouldn’t have let either him or Frodo wander off on their own.)
 
That being the case, writers need to be thoughtful when constructing their plots. Sure, it’s fine giving readers clues, but you can’t make them glaringly obvious, then expect audiences to believe characters wouldn’t pick up on those same clues. So there should be a balance between tantalizing the reader and making them stare in disbelief at a character’s clueless naivete. It’s a fine line to walk, admittedly.
 
So… if the butler didn’t do it… make the reader run a really good race to discover who did.
 

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The Dreaded DLC

9/11/2023

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Rather like Tulio did with Miguel, I blame it on all Areellan.
 
(You know… Tulio and Miguel, the two ne’er-do-well adventurers from the entertaining 2000 DreamWorks film The Road to El Dorado. At one point, Miguel, the more --- ahem --- free-spirited, spontaneous member of the duo, has just gotten them in (another) pickle. He looks sheepishly at Tulio and says, “Don’t blame me.” Whereupon Tulio, without missing a beat, stabs an accusing finger at Miguel and hisses, “I blame you.”)
 
Let me back up a little and warn that today’s epistle takes, of necessity, a slightly roundabout route to get to its intended point i.e. the addition to an already completed work. But we’ll get there, I promise… just bear with me. Though I’m not really apologizing, because, well… to paraphrase Lionel Logue in another entertaining film (The King’s Speech) … my blog, my rules.
 
 So there I was in my writing atelier the other day, glumly surveying the 13,000 words of my latest project, and fancied I could sense Areellan behind me, sheepishly pleading, “don’t blame me.” You can probably guess my response.
 
Backing up some more, she’s the protagonist of a novel (with the accurate if not exactly on-fire working title of Areellan’s Tale) which I finished the 53rd draft of three months ago. (Leastways, it felt like the 53rd draft, he muttered defensively.) Now, I have to say I actually like Areellan a lot. She’s a feisty, takes-no-crap, calls-‘em-like-she-sees-‘em 19-year-old who ploughs effectively through the slings and arrows of Arrinor, my fantasy world, in her quest for truth, justice, and the Arrinoran way. In this mortal and rather drab world of ours, she also elbowed her way past my other Arrinoran protagonist, Rhissan Araxis, whose story was told in my 2015 novel Gryphon’s Heir and whose sequel was nigh to being finished… when Areellan showed up, demanding her tale be told right away. Rhiss, gentleman that he is, graciously acceded to her impolite demand.
 
(It's at this point non-writers --- and likely psychiatrists --- eye me with some alarm and ask why I’m treating fictional characters as though they’re ‘real.’ To which I, and every other writer ever, laugh heartily and reply simply, “Well, because they are, of course.” Bwahahaha! No, we’re not crazy. Why do you ask?)
 
All in all, I’m pretty pleased with Areellan’s Tale, and that’s where blaming Areellan comes in, because the writing in her tale is, false modesty be damned, pretty good, I think… and it happens to pass the Bechdel Test with flying colours… and coincidentally puts the eight-years-past writing of Gryphon’s Heir to shame, in my fussy opinion. So what’s a writer to do with a work that’s no longer state of the art? Why… revise it, of course. Maybe create a second edition, for which, by the way, the rules seem to be rather vague --- I’ve checked. Mostly they seem to stress just needing a goodly amount (my nebulous term) of new content, not merely proofreading/editing the existing version. Don’t ask how much ‘goodly’ is, because no sources I consulted seemed to know. But… yeah, make it goodly.
 
So. Earlier this year, I began by going through Gryphon’s Heir and cutting over 11,000 words --- no plot, just extraneous words I swear I thought I’d excised lo, all those years ago. Turns out present-day me finds eight-years-ago me unnecessarily verbose, even worthy of an eye-roll or six. Which, I hasten to add, isn’t a bad thing… I mean, if I haven’t improved my craft in eight years, maybe I should just shut down my brand-new laptop and go find some mindless gig-economy job somewhere.
 
Then I (ta da!) finally turned my attention to the DLC.
 
DLC is actually a videogame term. (Yes, Virginia, your author plays videogames. Unsurprisingly, he likes ones featuring engaging storylines with strongly effective female protagonists.) It stands for DownLoadable Content, which at first glance, appears a tad nonsensical, but, again, bear with me. When a videogame company puts out a new title, it often, if the game sells well, publishes an addition to that game a year or so later, referred to as DLC. It generates new interest in the game, and not coincidentally, generates more money for the publisher, because they don’t give DLC away, heavens no! My experience with DLC is it adds an entertaining new side story to the main tale without affecting the overall plotline arc. It’s an add-on, not a replacement… so that’s what I went hunting for in Gryphon’s Heir. I had 11,000 words of room to write, which I naively thought was plenty. (Kind of like when I got my first Macintosh computer, several eons ago, and learned it possessed a 40-megabyte hard drive. 40 meg! I thought incredulously at the time. What was I ever going to do with all that space?! Ah, the sweet innocence of youth. My aforementioned new laptop needs more than 40 meg just to sneeze.)
 
What I needed to do, I decided, was come up with a DLC for Gryphon’s Heir: an entertaining side-story… an absorbing rabbit-hole protagonist Rhiss could just disappear down into for a few thousand words, than pop up again, older and wiser, to resume the main storyline. And it took a while, but I did find the ideal entry point for such a DLC.
 
Problem is, the DLC has become a veritable Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, whiffling through the tulgey wood. And it’s growing… I passed that 11,000-word self-imposed limit a couple of thousand words ago, and we’re galloping through the DLC at breakneck speeds towards a still-unknown climax which doesn’t appear to be coming anytime soon. (Rhiss hasn’t bothered to inform me what that is just yet --- when I began writing, I tried being a plotter, honest I did, but my characters kept laughing at my outlines and plot summaries and insisted on doing their own thing, so I gave up. Nowadays, I just let them tell me what to do. Non-writers, stop edging away from me with that carefully blank expression.) As a matter of fact, events seem to be getting messier and messier, Rhiss is in more and more trouble, and I understand viscerally what Tolkien meant when he said, “this tale grew in the telling.”
 
Well… having come this far… and even though all sorts of potential side plots keep manifesting… we must plug onwards. In the meantime… Dammit, Rhiss! No! That man is trying to kill you! Get back!
 
Sigh. It’s like herding cats.
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    Author of The Annals of Arrinor series.  Lover of great literature, fine wine, and chocolate. Not necessarily in that order.

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